


muscle and sinew and bone

by forgetme



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Graphic Description, Guilt, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, POV Alternating, POV Multiple, POV Second Person, POV Third Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Present Tense, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Destruction, Serious Injuries, Trauma, Whump, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-05 15:07:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 42
Words: 38,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4184445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/forgetme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine your body unbroken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_He_

Now that he’s on the ground, motionless, the monster has changed. He looks like a human being, breathing raggedly, covered in the blood of your men. All those dreams you had of conquering this nation – of conquering the world – he crushed them beneath his burning fists and feet as he descended from the sky like some vengeful god. You were supposed to rule them all, now you only rule over the dead.

How can someone like this exist?

You move slowly with heavy, sluggish footsteps. Still in a haze of disbelief. This battle should have been yours. It shouldn’t have been like this, blue fire blazing on the horizon and then it _… him._

When you heard there were Konoha shinobi in the area, you weren’t worried. You knew they wouldn’t get involved. That cowardly village only ever sent their pathetic four man squads to take care of the civilians, to deliver food and water for those wretched farmers that lived in your country. The Konoha shinobi weren’t for hire, not for greedy tyrants, or so you were told by that sneering big-bosomed blonde bitch calling herself the Hokage.

You take the last few steps over the muddy, blood-soaked ground, the earth sucking at your feet every time you lift your legs. Trying to suck you right into hell, you think. But then he’s in front of you, facedown, brown with mud and blood. Green catching your eye, flecks of it. The last wisps of blue smoke rise off him like the souls of the dead. They‘re distorted and carried away by the breeze, never to return again.

His strength, whatever it was, is gone. That inhuman power has vanished into thin air. What’s left is a man, inert and quiet except for ragged breathing. A man. A single man.

It was your mistake. You commanded your troops, you gave the order to wipe out that pesky pack of Konoha dogs, just because you could, to teach her a lesson for turning you down, for wrinkling her nose at you in disgust. _Tyrant._

She thought she was better than you, that they were all better than you. And he, the one in front of you now, he probably thinks the same. Better than you, stronger, more powerful.

You draw your sword, gleaming steel without so much as a drop of blood on it yet because your men kept you away from the actual battle, protected you with their lives, and you grab the man by the scruff of his neck and start cutting. He groans but nothing more. There’s no fighting now; his body is as limp as the old meat they used to sell on market day in your by now long destroyed home village.

You should kill him, you know that, but you don’t. You slice the fabric at his back and then you rip it with your hands, rip it all off until he is lying naked in the dirt and he really is just a man. All muscle and sinew and bone but still just a man and for a second you can’t think of what to do next. Except you know, low in your gut, what it is you have to do, what you need.

You know that it would be wrong for him to die because then he would never understand, he would simply cease to exist and that would be terrible. What he needs to understand, what only you can teach him, is that he is not better than you, that he is _yours._ Yours to possess, yours to use, to do with as you please, and, thinking that, you feel a hot thrill running down your spine. A jolt of liquid lightning embedding itself below your abdomen.

You bend down; you touch him. Your hands run down his back and he groans in discomfort. He’s not quite there, barely conscious, mostly unconscious, his eyelids flickering under thick eyebrows. He’s a strange, ugly creature, even his face is all bone, high cheekbones, prominent brow, wide jaw. Nothing like the plump girls your men would bring you for your amusement.

It doesn’t matter. He’s yours now. And whatever happens, he will remember you forever. You’ll make him remember.

(His body is as hot as a furnace, so hot that it hurts. Blood makes for bad lubricant, even if there is a lot. You push hard, as hard as you can and his scream feels like a reward. His eyes are open now, his fingers clawing at the dirt. They leave deep grooves, as he struggles to find purchase in the soft mud. There’s no point , no strength left in the body beneath you. So you push into him again and again and he doesn’t fight. His eyes are wet and blank and when his jaw unclenches and goes slack, it’s like another offering to you.)


	2. Chapter 2

_Sarutobi Asuma_

Asuma runs toward that distant blue glow, cursing. Cursing himself for his damned smoking which is no doubt at least partly to blame for the tightness in his chest right now – never mind that Genma, who hasn’t put a cigarette between his lips in years, and Ebisu, who never smoked to begin with, goody-two shoes that he is, are still behind him – and cursing Gai, who can’t help but take every order as some kind of twisted challenge.

It was Asuma though, who gave the order, “take out as many as you can”, because he is squad leader on this mission; it’s his job to make the tough decisions.

But they were attacked, he reminds himself, so what choice did he have? Their actual mission might have been to evacuate the civilians living in the small coast village that had the misfortune to be in the way of one megalomaniac and his army, but when said army made a move against them…

Konoha was supposed to be neutral – no one paid them to take sides; their village was too far away to be involved – one two day long unpleasant boat trip Asuma spent dozing in a hammock so he didn’t have to listen to Gai puke his guts out – however, Tsunade-sama cared about shit like civilians being slaughtered for no real reason, which was why she had them intervene. Needless to say, they were not supposed to fight the troops.

 _Those bastards shouldn’t have messed with us…_ Thoughts like that are no help to Asuma but they do make him feel a little better. Vindicated.

_This is what you get._

With one chakra blade he slices through a guy coming at him from the left, with the other he blocks a sword striking from the right. Wind chakra swirls and the blade falls past Asuma into the dirt. His mouth hanging open in shock, the man stares at the useless hilt in his hands. Asuma brings his blood-splattered left blade around and cuts him down before he has time to comprehend what is happening.

About a hundred men, not really something you can even call an army, but a ridiculous amount of enemies to take on for four guys, even if they happen to be Konoha jōnin.

_We should have tried to run._

But that would have meant giving up on the civilians, innocent men, women and children, who wouldn’t have stood a chance. And after all those years, after a million petty arguments, stomped feet and sullen silences, Sarutobi Asuma has reached a point where he doesn’t want to deny that he is his father’s son any more. And as such, as Sarutobi Hiruzen’s son, he cannot stand the idea of leaving anyone to die, even if it means sacrificing his own life.

Which doesn’t look like he’ll have to do today, thanks to that green nutcase. Gai has singlehandedly taken out two thirds of their enemies. The few stragglers Gai left seem more interested in running away than attacking.

“Don’t chase after them if they’re making a run for it!” Asuma calls over his shoulder. He hears a disgusted “tch” from Genma. Ebisu doesn’t reply; he’s farther back.

Asuma breaks through the underbrush. A bad feeling sits festering in the pit of his stomach. It’s gone too quiet. The blue has faded.

 _Fucking Gai,_ he thinks with more trepidation than anger, _you better not be in trouble._

Worry always makes his fingers twitch, makes him want to reach for the pack of cigarettes in the right pocket of his vest. Used to be in the left because it was quicker to reach across his chest than to fumble around too close to his own elbow, but these days he carries a picture of his girlfriend over his heart.

“Makes me guard my chest more,” he told Kurenai, “because I couldn’t bear it if a kunai ripped through your beautiful face.”

She didn’t laugh at the joke.

He snaps back to the here and now, to the strange sounds coming from up ahead. Gai’s direction.

Panting and moaning, then a scream – Gai’s voice and not Gai’s voice, a shredded version of it and Asuma starts running even faster despite the way his own breath rasps and rattles in his chest. He bursts through the foliage, thorns and branches snagging at his clothes and hair and finds himself in a nonsensical scene.

Bodies on the ground. Mud his sandals sink into. Blood and gore and in the midst of all this a man lying on top of something, his hips moving frantically, thrusting with furious violence.

Asuma doesn’t get it. All the pieces are there, the noises, the strange sight before his eyes, but nothing adds up. The bare legs sticking out, twitching, bloody legs, small black hairs growing on them and a scrap of orange fabric—

His stomach turns, bile rising in his throat—

He doesn’t even know why—

Asuma leaps forward and tears the man off—

Off his victim lying naked and bleeding in the dirt.

Without thinking – his mind is completely blank like a sheet of paper, untouched, pristine – he turns the man around, brings up his chakra blade and slides it under his ribs in the old familiar upwards movement. He doesn’t even register his face, merely steps away from the mess gushing out and lets the body fall to the ground.

The other one in front of him—

There’s a gasp behind him, followed by an exclamation, _“Gai?!”_

And suddenly the pieces all slide into place and Asuma wakes up to the horror of his reality, of what has happened.

Here and now.


	3. Chapter 3

_Shiranui Genma_

What Genma sees is Gai naked face down on the ground, blood running in streamlets down his legs. He sees that and he sees Asuma kneeling down next to Gai and he hears the rustle of leaves behind him as Ebisu steps out of the forest.

His eyes are glued to the backs of Gai’s thighs. The blood. It’s thin and watery, has a kind of pinkish color. His gaze follows it down the backs of Gai's knees, then up the thighs once more.

 _Don’t look,_ it’s like a voice in his head, warning him. _Don’t look; you don’t want to see this. If you look at this now, you’ll never forget._

Genma looks.

* * *

 

He never would have said he was the weakest one of the three, because he never would have thought he was – surely not as long as Ebisu was there. But for some reason he is the one, the only one crouching in the bushes throwing up thin, yellow slime that might, in another life, have been the scrambled eggs he had for breakfast.

Maybe it’s just the smell – although that’s bullshit and he knows it. He’s smelled worse during the war when he was still a little brat, seen worse too, he tries to tell himself, but there’s the voice again, rebuffing him.

_Nope, not worse than this. Maybe just as bad, but definitely not worse._

In the background: crows cawing and Ebisu and Asuma talking to each other in low voices. All communication condensed into single syllables, punctuated by the crows.

_Don’t._

_Gai?_

_Hey?_

_Fuck..._

That _fuck_ is Asuma’s and Genma takes it as his cue to get his shit together. He straightens using a tree to brace himself and stares down looking for—his senbon. It’s right in the middle of a yellowish puddle so there’s no way he’ll pick it up. Sighing, Genma steps out of the underbrush.

“I’ll build a stretcher. Anything else I can do?” He tries for casual and misses by a mile.

Asuma and Ebisu look up at him. They both have haunted eyes; even through Ebisu’s sunglasses Genma can see his thousand yard stare.

“No…” Asuma says. “We need to get him out of here. So that stretcher—I’ll help you.”

He probably just wants an excuse to get away from Gai. Not that Genma can blame him, glass houses and all that. He risks a glance at Gai. He’s on his back now, which might not be the best idea. Asuma and Ebisu must have rolled him over. An open med kit is lying next to him and a small emergency blanket is draped over his crotch. The sight makes Genma want to laugh. Once everyone has seen your bleeding, cum-smeared asshole there’s no saving your dignity anymore, he almost says, but bites his tongue and very nearly chokes on the words. His eyes burn.

 _At least he’s unconscious,_ Genma thinks. Gai’s face is slack, eyelids twitching, breath quick and shallow. Everything about the way he looks spells fever to Genma, the thought immediately followed by another: infection.

Gai could die from this. He could actually die from this. And how horrible would that be? Gai dying from _this_? It’s an unbearable and therefore unthinkable thought. Genma exiles it to the very back of his mind. There are things he has to do. He gives Asuma a sort of helpless look and together they head into the forest, to go search for materials.

* * *

 

They end up taking Gai to the village they were supposed to evacuate. Now that the threat is gone, the villagers are more than grateful, if not exactly helpful. They have one doctor and two nurses as well as a somewhat creepy old lady they refer to as their respected elder. The doctor and his nurses clean up Gai, while the respected elder lights incense and mumbles strange prayers. At some point Genma feels tempted to observe that the only way the incense might do some good was if they blew it up Gai’s ass. He clamps his mouth shut and swallows the hysterical laughter building in his chest. His nerves are so frayed, he feels like he’s on the edge. Dangerously close to snapping.

It’s only a couple of hours until they can get on the boat back to the Fire Country, back to Konoha, for which Genma is ridiculously grateful. In the end, the doctor doesn’t do much apart from cleaning the wound – “The wound?”, thinks Genma in horrified wonder – as best as possible, his words, and tell them “no solid food, under no circumstances”, which is pretty much a given anyway.

Asuma pens a message to Konoha, no doubt asking for a team of medics to meet them at the pier, and tosses the bird up into the clear blue sky where from his open hands it seems to explode into a flurry of motion, flapping its wings wildly and quickly vanishing into the distance until all Genma can see is a tiny black dot that with another blink of his eyes disappears.


	4. Chapter 4

_Ebisu_

He had always liked boat trips, ever since he was a small child and his father took him out to sea, sailing, just the two of them. Ebisu liked the sea, the smell of salt in the air, the sound and feel of the waves rocking the boat ever so gently; it felt to him like being cradled in the loving arms of a parent.

All that soured a little when he was put on a genin squad with Maito Gai, who ruined every boat ride with his obnoxious seasickness. Nothing can break the mood like projectile vomiting.

He’d never thought he’d ever say this, but right now he misses Gai’s seasickness. No matter how bad it got, it was always better than this.

 _This_ is stillness, _this_ is Gai on the stretcher, wrapped in blankets, unconscious. Gai is not supposed to be this quiet. For all the times Ebisu has told him to shut up and sit still, he never wanted this. Gai is the kind of person who should always be loud and brash and kind of annoying.

Ebisu sits down next to Gai. He is exhausted, his mind still wrapped up in what happened. What happened? As if there even was an answer to this question. He swallows and picks up the bowl of tea he has prepared. The brew was given to them by the strange old lady in Kumamono village; it smells like old wet moss and Ebisu has little faith that it’ll do much good, but doing something is better than doing nothing. It has to be.

He dips a sponge into the dark liquid and gently touches it to Gai’s lips.

“Gai-kun,” he murmurs, “drink.”

Gai groans and tries to twist his head away.

“Don’t—“

Exasperation has always come quickly to him. It was one thing his father criticized him for. _Patience, Ebisu, if you’re going to be a teacher, you need patience._

“Gai...” He tries again, stroking the back of Gai’s head as he presses the sponge to his lips, and Gai’s eyelids flutter. This time, he doesn’t fight back.

“That’s better,” he sighs and relaxes a little.

_Just do what needs to be done, one thing at a time, follow procedure. We can’t change what happened, but we can deal with it the right way._

They have to get Gai back to the Land of Fire; they have to make sure he survives until then. That is how you deal with an injured squad member. Ebisu has been in this situation several times by now; this isn’t any different.

Except that it is.

Ebisu looks over at Asuma who is sitting in a corner, smoking. He’s been doing that since they boarded the ship, lighting one cigarette after another, never taking a break or moving from his spot. Genma on the other hand is constantly pacing back and forth, up and down. He goes up on deck, then comes down again minutes later, his footstep heavy on the wooden stairs.

The way they’re acting reminds Ebisu of the very few times he had to return from a mission with less members than he started with. But Gai isn’t dead and he won’t die.

It’s a matter of professional pride at this point.

Ebisu has done nothing wrong; he doesn’t blame himself for what happened. And he’s going to keep doing everything right.

Still, it hurts to look at Gai. It’s not even like they were ever really friends, but seeing him like this…

Unconscious, a film of sweat giving his face a sallow glow. When they first found him, he stank of blood and excrement, but now he merely smells like sickness and decay. He hasn’t said a word, thankfully, doesn’t seem to understand what’s happening to him. The few times he did open his eyes, they were glazed with fever, unseeing. Sometimes Gai’s lips move, sometimes he shivers, but there’s been no sign of improvement.

Ebisu stays by his side because that seems like the right thing to do. He keeps an eye on Gai’s breathing, his pulse, dabs the sweat off his brow and tries to make him swallow drops of tea.

He contemplates writing the mission report for Asuma, who hasn’t shown any sign of planning to fulfill this task despite being squad leader. It would give him something to do, he thinks, and since it has to be done anyway…

He’s not sure what he should write, though. “In the line of duty, Maito Gai has suffered injuries leaving him—“

Ebisu looks down at Gai’s face. How to describe the state he’s in? Unconscious, feverish, sick? And how to describe his injuries? Ebisu doesn’t want to lift the blanket to take another look. Not that he would see anything now, since the doctor and his staff have wrapped Gai’s lower parts in so many bandages, it looks like he’s wearing a diaper.

Gai makes a small, wounded sound, bringing Ebisu back to the problem at hand. Gai. Right.

“Hey,” he says helplessly, brushing a hand across Gai’s damp forehead. “It’s okay.”

Gai mumbles something garbled, unintelligible.

“It’s okay,” Ebisu repeats and reaches for the sponge. Maybe Gai is thirsty, maybe the tea will help.

“Ka..Kashi,” says Gai, his glassy eyes open and staring at Ebisu.

It’s going to be a long trip.


	5. Chapter 5

_Tsunade_

She’s just left the office when they bring her the message. Hand still on the doorknob, she stops in her tracks. Kotetsu is coming up the stairs, out of breath and shouting, “A bird arrived, Tsunade-sama!”

It’s never good news, so she sighs, bracing herself for trouble. Silently, Shizune appears at her elbow, getting ready to read over her shoulder. She snatches the piece of paper out of Kotetsu’s hands and skims over the few sentences, messy characters scrawled in a hurry.

_010252 severly injured._

_Need medics at pier. Arrival two days from now._

_-A._

_Don’t send Ino or Sakura_

“Don’t send Ino or Sakura?” Shizune asks softly. As Tsunade meets her questioning gaze, something inside her tightens, worry clawing at her nerves. Damn it, she hates the way she’s come to care about them, all of them. It was so much easier when she was just a travelling gambler, a wandering drunk, and Konoha a distant memory.

“010252?” She’s been in office for six months, but she still can’t keep their numbers straight.

“It’s Gai-senpai…” Shizune says.

Tsunade nods, steeling herself. A Hokage has to be compassionate but never soft. “Probably a genital injury.”

“Genital injury?!” squeaks Kotetsu. He pulls a face, instinctively covering his crotch with his hands as if someone was waving a blade in front of him right now.

Tsunade glares at him. “The men are probably just being squeamish.”

_Gai… Blood type B positive, no allergies._ She may not know their registration numbers but their medical data is always at the back of her mind, ready whenever she needs it.

Tsunade chews on her lip.

Asuma’s note troubles her. That stupid last sentence. Who does he think her girls are? Ino and Sakura may be young and inexperienced but she’s training them well. One of the first things they learned: you’re medics; you’re dealing with the human body – all of its parts. I won’t have you blushing and giggling while you’re on duty. You can’t avert your eyes; you’ll touch whatever you have to touch.

Male sensei are like that sometimes, they become all fatherly and think their little kunoichi must be spared from seeing something as dirty as a penis.

It’s ridiculous and it almost makes her want to send Ino and Sakura out of spite, but Tsunade isn’t that childish; she can’t afford to be, and a good medic should also consider the feelings of their patients.

Besides, from what she knows about Sarutobi Asuma – and it’s not that much since he was just a boy when she left – he’s not an unreasonable man, not someone to make a big deal out of nothing.

And if he’s anything like his father—

The thought just brings back her worry, tenfold.

_Dammit, I should never have taken your job, sensei. How did you do it?_

“Shizune, take Hazuki, Kanata and Sū and go to the pier. You’ll need blood type B positive, take a lot – most of it is his anyway…” She remembers the blood drive, one of the first things she did after becoming Hokage, issuing a call for blood donations and Gai lining up every day to donate. After a certain point, when it became clear that he had some kind of bet going with the Hatake brat who only ever seemed to show up to steal the free cookies and orange juice, Tsunade herself had to intervene.

_Idiot,_ she thinks, surprised by the fondness she feels and the flutter of fear it triggers in her.

* * *

 

She buries herself in work after that, not-waiting to hear from Shizune. The trip to the pier takes half a day, then it should be another until the ship comes in and twelve more hours to get back to Konoha, not that Tsunade is doing the math.

_I should be drinking,_ she thinks, _now that Shizune isn’t here to hold me back._

But for some reason she’d rather be sitting in her stuffy office, doing paperwork or heading to the hospital to check on patients.

Time drags its feet, it hangs motionless around her as she puts her stamp on paper after paper; it coagulates among the dust bunnies under her bed as she lies awake, staring at the ceiling.

And then, after an eternity, she is called to the hospital; Shizune’s squad has returned.

* * *

 

It wouldn’t have been an uncommon story; it wouldn’t have been something Tsunade hasn’t had to deal with before, if it weren’t for the fact that a man was the victim. Maito Gai, a twenty-nine year old jōnin.

An hour after she has been called to the hospital Tsunade is sitting by the side of Maito Gai’s bed. She has given him a quick examination to make sure that everything that can be done has in fact been done, a formality because she sent Shizune, who in the many years Tsunade has known her has never once overlooked anything.

Gai has two broken ribs, a sprained wrist, bruises and lacerations all over his body. Then there’s the anal tearing, so severe that he needed surgery. The wound was infected as well, which lead to his high fever.

Now he’s stitched up and sedated, in relatively stable condition.

Still her heart is heavy, as it always is in these cases.

“Get everyone who was involved in this to my office asap,” she says to Shizune, “and tell the nurses to call me as soon as he wakes up.”

She’ll need to make sure this doesn’t become the talk of the village. No one can know about what happened to Gai – it could be the end of his career.

Not to mention his life.


	6. Chapter 6

_Shiranui Genma_

It’s not a conscious decision Genma made or anything – not a tradition either. In fact, it’s been a while since he last did this, but tonight he does happen to go to the memorial and isn’t even surprised when Ebisu is already there, staring blankly at the mute stone.

Genma doesn’t say anything. It feels like everything’s been said during the impromptu meeting at the Hokage’s office when they were crowded into the room with Tsunade-sama, Asuma, Shizune, her team of medics and a couple of nurses.

Stiff-faced, Ebisu handed in the report he’d written during their journey and Tsunade-sama let out a sigh that sounded as if it had been held in for a thousand years. Then she told them what she wanted from them.

Silence. Not a word.

_Gai is in stable condition. Physically, he’ll make a full recovery. However, he’s off the mission roster for the foreseeable future. If anyone should ask, you’ll say that he’s at the hospital, that he was injured during the mission. As I said, he’s stable. That is all the information you’re allowed to share. Any further details regarding this mission are classified. You are not to talk about what happened to him, the nature of his injuries or any other details. If I hear any rumors, I will hold all of you responsible. Understood?_

Ebisu is glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. When Genma catches his gaze, he inclines his head in acknowledgement. For a little while they just stand there, side by side, their eyes trained on the same name on the stone.

“Thinking about sensei?” Genma asks finally. Of course he already knows the answer. She’s been on his mind ever since he grabbed Gai’s ankles to help Asuma lift him onto the stretcher they built out of a blanket and two long branches.

“Hm. I felt like paying my respects.”

“Yeah, me too.” He sighs. “Kinda feels like I owe her an apology.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Ebisu says firmly.

“Neither have you, but you’re still here, aren’t you?”

That gives Ebisu pause. “It’s not—I don’t feel guilty.” He sounds a little too defensive for it to be completely true.

“What _do_ you feel, Ebisu? ‘Cause I’m not really sure anymore.”

“…”

* * *

 

_“Do you have siblings?”_

_“Nope.”_

_“Well, you do now. Those two losers? From now on you’re gonna think of them as your little brothers, got it? You’re the oldest, so when I’m not around, you’re in charge. Gai’s a hyperactive idiot and Ebisu’s an insufferable know-it-all, so you’re the one, Genma, I’m counting on you.”_

* * *

 

_I’m sorry, sensei._

* * *

_Shizune_

She keeps coming back to his room. Tsunade-sama told her to go get some rest – she’s been on her feet for days, ever since they got Asuma’s message – but even if she did as she was told and went to bed, she knows she wouldn’t be able to sleep.

It’s always like this… always. As a kunoichi you know everything about what can happen to you – to your body – on the battlefield (or at the academy, at a friend’s house, at home – _anywhere_ ), but still every time she sees a victim, every time she has to treat someone… Of course it’s usually women. In all her life she has only ever met one male victim of this particular act of violence and he was a boy, only ten years old.

Tsunade-sama’s experience is much greater, but even she had only ever had one comparable case.

_That doesn’t mean it never happens. Men just don’t come forward as often._

_What happened to that one man?_

_Don’t ask. You don’t want to know. It’s not going to happen to Gai._

No, Shizune knows she won't be getting any sleep tonight.

* * *

_Hatake Kakashi_

He always likes coming home after a long mission, after days on the road by himself. It’s that feeling of relief that seems to wait just inside the village gate. Finally, he can let his guard down a little.

First he does the things he’s meant to do: he delivers his mission report to the Hokage residence, where a desk nin accepts his scroll without so much as an absent-minded nod, then he goes home to drop off his luggage and take a quick shower.

It’s still early evening by the time he leaves his apartment, so he contemplates his options. Six days he was gone from Konoha and whenever he spends this much time away from the village, he feels like he has to make it up to his team. He’ll go there first, he decides. To say “I’m back” to Obito, Rin and sensei because they are the people that matter to him most. But after that…

Kakashi thinks he might like to go find out if Gai is back from his big mission yet.

Gradually, somehow, Gai has become part of his routine and Kakashi finds he might even go so far as to say that he may not be averse to spending the evening with his “rival”. For one thing, he’s hungry and with Gai there’s always a good chance of being able to get a free meal out of him. Either by challenging him to an eating contest – loser pays – or a cook-off at Gai’s place using whatever they find in Gai’s usually well-stocked fridge.

The thought makes him smile as he sets off towards the memorial, a spring in his step.


	7. Chapter 7

_Hatake Kakashi_

Kakashi is used to solitary visits to the memorial – it’s not that other people never go there; he simply goes so early or late in the day that he never meets anyone, which is what he prefers– so when he walks up the path from the training grounds, he is a little surprised to see two figures already standing in front of the stone, their backs to him.

His first instinct is to stop and wait for them to leave, but then he decides to get a little closer first, to look who it is, because they do seem familiar even from far away.

His instincts don’t deceive him, a couple of steps more and he begins to sense their chakra. Genma and Ebisu.

“Hey,” he says, still a few meters away, a strange nervous flutter in the pit of his stomach as he tries to piece together what’s going on. If Genma and Ebisu are here, where is Gai, where is Asuma? And why are they _here_ specifically? It would have been one thing to run into them at the Hokage residence, but _here_ of all places?

They turn around simultaneously, both of them looking startled for that fracture of a second it takes even a jōnin to slip on that blank mask of neutrality. Kakashi sees them exchange a glance. He keeps walking, hands in his pockets, all casual, all cool. His stomach does a worried little flip. Something about this feels off to him; it’s like everything is completely normal except the sky suddenly has the wrong color.

Genma greets him with a vague nod. “Yo, Kakashi! You just come back?”

If something truly bad had happened, Kakashi tells himself, Genma wouldn’t be acting like this. His casual tone might sound a little fake, his expression might be a little too blank, but if something had happened to Gai or Asuma, he wouldn’t beat around the bush; it’d be the first thing out of his mouth.

So Kakashi forces himself to relax. “Yeah. What are you two up to?”

“Just got back from a mission, you know, couple hours ago.” Genma shrugs. Next to him Ebisu shifts. He looks uncomfortable.

“With Gai and Asuma, right?” _What’s going on?_ he wonders. The two of them are acting so stiff, they are like cardboard cutouts of themselves.

“Well, yes,” says Ebisu.

“Everything go alright? Where are they?” Kakashi keeps his tone light, but inside he feels like he has swallowed a handful of razorblades. Why are they tiptoeing around like this?

“Um…” Genma’s hesitation fuels his flaring worry.

Ebisu jumps in, all matter of fact. “We had to deal with some unexpected developments, but we all returned to Konoha together. Asuma should be at home.”

A couple of seconds tick by and in that space of a few heartbeats, Kakashi is almost painfully aware of the absence of Gai from that sentence.

Genma glances at Ebisu, clearly waiting for him to continue, but there’s no further elaboration, just the cawing of crows and the soft whisper of the breeze brushing through the leaves.

As Kakashi looks from one to the other once, twice, his eye narrowing, Genma tenses and finally lets out a sigh. “Gai’s hurt, though. It’s not— _too_ serious. He’s at the hospital.” It might be the set of his jaw or the way his eyebrows furrow, Kakashi can’t put a finger on it, but there’s guilt there in Genma’s expression like a shadow cast out of nowhere falling across his face. And what was with the small pause? It’s not _too_ serious? Doesn’t that just mean it’s serious?

Kakashi’s body tenses. He feels almost as if he’s pitching forward and suddenly has to brace himself for impact.

“He’ll be fine,” Ebisu says, his voice casual, sending out a completely different message than his former teammate.

“What happened?” Kakashi doesn’t sound alarmed because he is not in fact alarmed. Gai gets hurt on a fairly regular basis. He gets hurt and then he gets better. It’s what he does and Kakashi doesn’t worry about him. Ever.

“He opened the seventh gate—“

“It’s classified,” Ebisu cuts Genma off, an apologetic look on his face.

“Yeah, classified. Right. Sorry, man. But he’ll be alright.”

“He is in stable condition. Tsunade-sama herself treated him and assured us that—“

“He’ll make a full recovery.”

_Now they’re finishing each other’s sentences,_ Kakashi thinks, _this is getting absurd._

“That’s… good to hear.” He still doesn’t know what to make of this whole situation. “Anyway, what are you doing up here?”

“We came to pay our respects to our sensei.”

“It’s the anniversary of her death. I mean, it was a couple of days ago, but we weren’t in the village then, so…” Shrugging, Genma trails off.

“Ah, I see. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.” He takes a step back, quietly offering to leave.

“No, that’s okay. We were done.”

“Kakashi-kun.” Ebisu gives him a formal nod.

“See you around,” Kakashi says.

“See ya.”

With that they leave, walking past Kakashi side by side. He has to suppress the urge to turn around to look after them as they pass. Instinctively, he focuses on their chakra patterns instead, feeling them out for telltale flutters and flares. But those two are pros like him, if they do have something to hide, they will hide it; any secrets they might have will die with them.

There’s nothing left for Kakashi to do but walk up to the stone, bow his head to his sensei and teammates, and change his plans for the evening to include a hospital visit.


	8. Chapter 8

_Shizune_

It’s getting dark outside, dusk creeping into Gai’s room. She’s been slipping in and out the door, walking down the hallway, checking on other patients, talking to the nurses on duty, then returning. The only thing she did that didn’t have anything to do with Gai was shower and change out of her uniform into a kimono after the meeting. Once that was done, once she had removed the dust and sweat from her skin and scraped the coagulated blood out from under her fingernails, she returned to the quiet corridors and antiseptic smell of Konoha’s hospital.

Gai’s sleep is restless; occasionally he will make a soft sound of distress, barely audible whimpers and groans, and Shizune will reach out to squeeze his hand or feel his temperature. His fever is down. She’s put him on a light sedative; after that there’ll be painkillers, a liquid diet for the next week at least and bed rest. So far he hasn’t had a single moment of lucidity and on some shameful level she’s grateful for it. She desperately wants him to be okay and she has no idea what it will be like if he wakes up and _isn’t._

It’s still so strange. When she closes her eyes and thinks Gai, who she sees is the boy he was when she left. Half a year she’s been back, but seeing all her friends grown up has not yet ceased to feel like she has stepped into a parallel dimension. Although she herself has grown up during the years she spent travelling with Tsunade-sama, she’d never imagined Konoha changing. As if time would stand still in her home village, she’d almost expected to find everything just the way it was when she left. It was her childish wish to be able to come home again. Still, of all of them it's Gai  who seemed to have changed the least.

“I’m sorry, but visiting hours ended at four o’clock.” The voice drifts in from the hallway, pulling Shizune back to the present. It’s Hanako, the nurse on desk duty tonight, seventeen years old and inexperienced. Shizune can hear the slight tremor of insecurity in her voice.

The reply is too low to hear, but the voice is definitely familiar.

Shizune gets up and pokes her head out the door. All she can see is Hanako-chan, standing with her back to Shizune.

“Well, sure I know, but you can’t go see Maito-san today anyway.”

“I understand. If you just tell me his room number now, though, I won’t have to bother whoever is here tomorrow with the same question. It’d save time.”

“Oh… um…right. It’s—“

“Kakashi-senpai!” Hurrying down the hallway, Shizune forces a smile. _Just in time._ “Hanako, I’m taking it from here.”

“Oh! Right, thank you, Shizune-senpai!” Hanako bows and scurries back to the front desk.

Kakashi cocks his head at Shizune, a vaguely curios expression quickly covering up the flash of annoyance she saw when he caught sight of her.

_Like I’m going to let you trick one of my nurses._

In front of her Hatake Kakashi stands in all his handsome glory, but she is unimpressed. Whenever she looks at him, she still sees a shadow of that cold little boy with his quick mouth and arrogant poise. Always keeping at least an arm’s length of distance between himself and others. It’s almost funny how much he’s changed and at the same time hasn’t changed at all.

It’s difficult to talk to him because she can always hear Rin-chan’s voice in the back of her head, the way her friend used to say “Kakashi-kun”, putting the weight of her heart into every syllable.

“Can I help you?” she asks.

“I hope so,” he replies, charm turned up to eleven and she has to suppress the urge to roll her eyes, “I heard Gai was injured, so I thought I’d stop by.” Hands in his pockets, he shrugs nonchalantly.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t see him tonight.”

“Visiting hours, hm? Can you give me his room number then? I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“You won’t be able to see him tomorrow either.”

That gives him pause; his eye narrows.

“What’s going on?” There’s an edge to his voice now and Shizune is surprised by the raw concern she can sense under his casual demeanor.

It makes her realize how little she knows about them now. The Kakashi she remembers used to be downright cruel to Gai sometimes. Gai had this strange obsession with his classmate – the whole village laughed at it – at him – and Kakashi? He never seemed to care.

But maybe it’s different now.

“He just needs rest,” she says because she doesn’t know how close they are and even if they are the best of friends … She may not be an expert on male friendships, but for all she knows Kakashi might be the last person Gai would want to know. It’s not hers to tell anyway, if nothing else, Gai will be the one in control of this.

“Come back in a few days,” she tells him as she turns away, feeling his stare bore into her back. “He’s in room 150. You can visit him then.”

She knows she’s given him what he needs to sneak into Gai’s room tonight, but she figures if he cares enough to go that far, he'll care enough to keep Gai safe.


	9. Chapter 9

_Hatake Kakashi_

It’s not like he couldn’t have found Gai’s room without the number, but having it definitely speeds up the process, so he’s grateful to Shizune, who must have known what he would do with it when she gave it to him.

Avoiding the very few medics and nurses is easy as pie, especially since Gai’s room turns out to be only a few meters from where he ran into Hanako-chan. All he has to do, really, is wait until both Shizune and the girl are out of sight and then quickly slip into the room.

He is greeted by the steady beeping of a heart monitor, the utter stillness and stagnant air of the hospital room, the faint smell of disinfectant and, finally, after a couple of steps, the sight of Gai.

Just that, Gai’s form laying between starched sheets, the blanket drawn up to his chest, and suddenly the veil of worry lifts. Kakashi hadn’t even been aware of it, only when he blinks and finds that he can breathe more easily does he realize that all this time, from the moment he saw Genma and Ebisu standing in front of the cenotaph, there had been this little whisper in his ears, that distant roar, _he’s not coming back, he’s dead, I’ll never see him again._

Now he can see Gai, can see Gai’s chest rising and falling, can sink into the empty chair next to Gai’s bed and breathe a sigh of utter relief.

* * *

 

_Sarutobi Asuma_

This is his second-favorite part: arriving at Kurenai’s apartment building and seeing the light in her windows. She’s home. She made it back safe and sound from her last mission with her team. For a moment Asuma can let this be all that matters, he can push everything else away and just focus on the light as he walks through the front door and up to her apartment, taking two steps at a time because he can’t wait to see her.

His knock on her door is impatient, an urgent rap, palms sweaty for some reason, as if he has reverted to the twelve year old with a crush who used to punch her on the arm and hide frogs in her bag because he didn’t know any better.

Thankfully, after no more than a minute there’s the click of the lock and the door is pulled open, revealing Kurenai in a thin cotton robe, her hair damp from the shower. She looks beautiful, but then she always does. Her eyes widen a little, surprise and pleasure and that hint of relief every shinobi knows and craves, seeing someone you love return from a mission in one piece.

“Asuma, you’re back early.”

Early? Yes, he’d forgotten all about it, but since they ended up not having to evacuate anyone, their mission had been completed three days before their official return date. To him, though, those last few days had felt like a thousand years.

He nods dumbly and steps closer to her. She takes his hand and pulls him across the threshold into her apartment, into her arms.

This is his favorite part.

* * *

 

_Hatake Kakashi_

There isn’t really much a person can do when visiting someone unconscious in the hospital. Kakashi sits still, watching Gai for signs that he might be waking up. No such luck.

A smile had crept onto his face for some reason. He hadn’t even noticed. It came with that strange feeling of calm that Kakashi wasn’t even aware of until now.

 _I’m becoming one of those weird old bachelors,_ he thinks, forcing his face to relax into a neutral expression. _It’s just Gai._

But it must have been a close call; and it’s been a long time since Gai last had a close call.

Kakashi examines Gai’s face for any sign of pain or discomfort.

There are a few bruises, a fading one on his cheekbone, the hint of a half-healed black eye. Kakashi has to fight the urge to trace it with his index finger, feel the texture of Gai’s skin there. Thinking about Gai close to death makes something inside of him shrivel up like burning paper.

 _He’s fine. It was nothing,_ he tells himself as he stares at Gai’s unmoving form, his gaze traversing the length of Gai’s body, trying to assess the damage.

Gai is hidden under the blanket, under the thin hospital gown peeking out where the blanket ends. Kakashi catches a glimpse of bandages under there, over Gai’s collar bone. Gai’s right arm, too, is bandaged.

Absent-mindedly, Kakashi brushes a finger across that white gauze down to Gai’s wrist. Through the layers he can feel the heat of Gai’s skin, the fever radiating off him. Kakashi blinks and sees blue vapor rising towards a crimson sky. He has to force himself to unclench his fists, has to will his heartbeat to slow.

_Everything’s fine. What the hell is wrong with me?_

* * *

 

_Sarutobi Asuma_

“I can’t,” he gasps, “I’m sorry.”

His whole body is burning with shame, like a furnace, like the mouth of hell. He rolls off Kurenai and blindly stumbles out of bed naked. This has never happened before. He’s never been unable to—

“Asuma!” He can hear her coming after him, her soft feet on the linoleum. Raindrops falling on leaves.

He’s in the bathroom, hands covering his face so he doesn’t have to meet his own eyes in the mirror. He bends, splashes water on his face, stares at Kurenai’s red toothbrush. The tube of toothpaste next to it reads _Shine!_ in bright green letters. It too makes him think of Gai. He feels like he’s going to throw up.

* * *

_Hatake Kakashi_

Gai makes a soft, vulnerable sound, his breath hitching. Kakashi looks at his friend’s furrowed brows; he’s in pain.

Kakashi thinks of calling the nurse, someone to help Gai, someone else, so _he_ doesn’t have to—

So he can leave, wash his hands of the whole thing. He’s not even supposed to be here after all and he hates—

He hates seeing this, Gai tossing his head as if to dodge a blow, Gai whimpering.

He’s no good at this, but he finds he can’t just go. His legs won’t move.

Instead he reaches out, gently lays a hand on Gai’s shoulder. He pets Gai awkwardly through layers of fabric – blanket and hospital gown – and murmurs, “You’re going to be okay.” Because he can’t think of anything better to say.

Gai calms down a bit and Kakashi stays. He doesn’t know how long. Until all the light has drained from the room and the stars come out, too far away and too dead to reach them. Until Gai sleeps peacefully again and Kakashi’s butt starts hurting from sitting in the uncomfortable chair.

“Thanks for making it back,” Kakashi says when he gets up to leave and he deliberately ignores the pounding of his heart as the thought of the alternative threatens to invade his mind.

For reasons even he himself can’t quite comprehend he brushes his knuckles across Gai’s damp and feverish cheek. It’s a manly gesture, he thinks, one Gai would appreciate. He won’t think of the tenderness. Or the fear.

“Goodnight, Gai.” It was supposed to be a drawl, but it comes out as a whisper like he’s telling Gai a secret he won’t even tell himself.

* * *

 

_Maito Gai_

Through the haze of pain and confusion, trapped in total darkness, he hears it, faintly in the distance.

_“Goodnight, Gai.”_


	10. Chapter 10

_Yūhi Kurenai_

A blanket wrapped around her naked form, she stands in front of the closed door to her bathroom, feeling helpless and weirdly amused. What a strange night…

She’s never seen Asuma freaked out, not even when his father died; he’s been grim, taciturn, withdrawn, but never—like this. She’d felt the softness between his legs when he lay on top of her, his hips shifting against hers with increasing franticness, his lips harder on her mouth than usual, then gone as he jumped up and stormed off so abruptly she had no time to even gasp.

Like a teenager, she thinks, remembering herself at twelve running off and slamming doors. She’d be in the bathroom and her father outside sighing and knocking and berating her. Her poor dad, he’d been so out of his depth sometimes. A widower after only a couple of years of marriage raising his headstrong daughter on his own. She still misses him.

From inside comes the sound of running water. Asuma must have turned on the faucet.

“Asuma,” she says softly. She’s not going to bang on the door and demand he come out; that’s not who she is, that’s not what she wants their relationship to be like. “I’ll be in the kitchen. Please talk to me.”

With that she leaves him be and goes to the kitchen where she walks to the fridge, takes out a bottle of ice tea and sits down at the table with a glass. This time around she’ll wait for him for as long as it takes.

* * *

 

_Hatake Kakashi_

At the end of the day he is lying on the couch, sipping the last of his instant ramen and staring blankly at the book in his hand. He flips a page, his eye skimming it character by character, line by line, but the words never seem to make it to his brain.

Instead a different story unspools inside his mind, one that consists mostly of memories replayed over and over. Nights with Gai unfolding in layers, a pattern emerging. Gai dragging him out of his apartment to the training grounds, a bar, a restaurant, the onsen…

These memories are overshadowed by another: Kakashi walking up the dirt path past the training grounds towards the forest, the moment when he got close enough to identify the two shapes obscuring the memorial as Gai’s former team mates. The way his stomach dropped with icy certainty. _He’s gone._

* * *

 

_Yūhi Kurenai_

He’s making her wait again and she’s starting to think that might just be the way their relationship is fated to be. Him going off somewhere and her staying behind. And isn’t that what shinobi life boils down to? Going on missions and coming back – watching your loved ones going on missions and coming back, going and coming and coming and going, until either you or the one you love leaves and never returns. A finite cycle of goodbyes and welcome backs, the last goodbye followed by nothing but silence.

She stops herself there. This isn’t who she is. She isn’t timid or weepy. She has long since accepted the realities of her – of their – lives.

The only thing that stings is that he isn’t talking to her.

“Hey.” Just as she’s thinking this, there he is, standing in the doorway to her kitchen, dressed in a pair of boxers he must have fished out of her laundry basket. His face is an awkward grimace of shame and apology covering pain like a film of dust. “Sorry,” he mumbles, “for…you know…That’s never happened to me before.”

That line almost makes her roll her eyes because it’s so cliché. As if that would even matter to her, as if she can’t see that something much more serious is going on. “What’s wrong?” she asks, looking at his anguished face. “Asuma? What happened?”

“It’s classified.”

She nods, holding in the sigh. There is nothing to be done, nothing to be said. This is what their life is like. It was easier when she dated civilians, but she wouldn’t trade Asuma, not for anyone. So she gets up and goes to him, to put her arms around him.

When she does, Asuma kisses the top of her head and murmurs, “You can’t tell anyone, okay?”

* * *

 

_Hatake Kakashi_

He wakes up on the couch, feeling cramped and sore. His book has fallen to the ground; he only notices when he swings his feet off the sofa and steps on it. Groaning, Kakashi rubs the back of his stiff neck.

_Gai_

It’s the first thought on his mind. He wants to go to the hospital and see him, almost desperately.

 _That’s no good_ , he thinks and decides to go to the training grounds instead.

To clear his head.


	11. Chapter 11

_Maito Gai_

It’s light outside. Bright.

He blinks.

The daylight falls across his face, blinding but sweet. He hurts. He hurts everywhere but most of all deep down inside. It’s a searing rotten pain as if someone has taken a rusty drill to his intestine. Gai swallows again and again against the bile rising in his throat. There’s a foul taste on his tongue he knows he mustn’t contemplate. He squeezes his eyes shut and counts under his breath.

_The trick is,_ his father says, _if you can do one, you can do two and if you can do two, you can do three!_

Gai takes another breath.

It hurts. Memories threaten to rise up out of the darkness. Hands holding him down. Pain splitting him open. His face pressed into the mud.

_You just have to keep pushing, Gai!_

Tears threaten to well up. He’s not going to cry. He swallows. He’s _not_ going to cry.

_What if I can’t?_

_You can, Gai, you just have to believe in yourself!_

Gai’s breath hitches in his throat. His eyes are burning. Sunlight is setting the room ablaze.

_I can’t, Papa, I’m sorry._

The room goes blurry; Gai’s hands ball into fists.

_I can’t._

* * *

_Tsunade_

This is the moment she’s been dreading. One hand on the doorknob, Tsunade takes a deep steadying breath. She’s a medic; she’s going to see her patient.

She pulls the door open briskly and steps inside without waiting for a reaction from the room’s occupant. This is her hospital and he is her patient. That’s all it is.

As soon as he sees her, Gai starts trying to sit up in bed, pushing himself up on his elbows, his eyes wide and startled. In a flash she is reminded of that girl, her red-rimmed eyes and lips pale from being pressed together.

“Don’t—“ There’s warning in her voice and annoyance. They never listen. In two steps she’s by his side, but he has already fallen back into his pillow.

“Tsunade-sama—“ His voice cracks a little, almost inaudibly. She ignores it as she fumbles with the mechanism on the bed.

“Lie still,“ she commands.

He stares up at her with big eyes, shaking up memories within her she hasn’t thought of in decades. Things she never talked about, things they don’t know because she never wanted them to.

The day he was born she was there.

She knew his mother – albeit fleetingly. She held him when he was tiny. Covered in blood, he was thrust into her arms by Biwako-basan. Instinctively she’d taken a step toward his mother, that pale, plain girl, but she’d wrenched her head to the side as if flames were licking at her and gasped, “I don’t want to see it! Take it away!”

Before, the girl had been to Biwako-basan to ask about abortion.

_Who is going to love you?_ Tsunade remembers wondering. The infant in her arms had been all giant head and huge watery eyes. She was never especially good with babies, a cause for concern for her back then, keeping her up at night. _Dan will want children one day,_ she’d think, watching him fuss over his baby niece, _what if I’m not cut out to be a mother?_

Many nights she lay awake, Dan snoring softly next to her, kneading her worry like dough, hoping it would transform into something else, certainty maybe, that it would be different once she held her own baby, hers and Dan’s. Of course, in the end those were wasted hours, Dan died before he could have any children and so, she realized when she cradled his body in her arms, would she.

Gai had been an unfortunate-looking baby, but he had been loved. If not by his mother, who left the village two days after giving birth and, as far as Tsunade knew, never once held her son or even looked at him, then at least by his father and no one could deny that Maito Dai’s heart held enough love for two parents.

Now, though, Gai is alone. He has no living relatives in the village – his mother’s whereabouts are unknown – no spouse or lover. Listed as next of kin to contact in case of emergency are his students and no one else.

“How are you feeling?” she asks while she studies him. His eyes are wet and dull; the skin beneath them looks raw, telling her that he was crying before she entered the room. He probably wiped away the tears when he heard her coming down the hallway.

“Much better, Hokage-sama!” The tremor in his voice would have given him away if his slipping smile hadn’t already. “I can’t wait to get back to training!”

Tsunade shakes her head; she’ll be as matter of fact with him as possible. “You’ll have to wait. You need to heal first.”

“I don’t really need to take up a hospital bed for that. I can rest at home.” Defiance comes naturally to him, that she remembers. It’s a different kind than his father’s brand which was all smiles and thank yous. Maito Dai never flinched, no matter who was mocking him; he never balled his hands into fists, never grit his teeth. Gai must be taking after his mother.

“Sure you can, but you won’t. I know you.” That last part is almost a lie. Does she know him or any of them? It’s been years and the Maito Gai she remembers most clearly is a baby bouncing in the carrier strapped to his father’s chest. Of course he was a teenager by the time she left, but this is the image stuck in her head. Maito Dai running his laps grinning, his small son squealing in delight at every jump.

“My injuries aren’t that severe. It’s just the gates.” He’s stonewalling her, or trying to at least.

“I’ve seen your injuries, Gai. I treated them.” His face doesn’t change. She keeps watching him, but there isn’t even a flicker. He’s not a jōnin for nothing. “I know what happened. The report is on my desk.”

His gaze flicks over to the window and stays there.

She doesn’t know what she expected. More tears? A breakdown? 

Maybe she knows the dead better than the living.


	12. Chapter 12

_Hatake Kakashi_

Kakashi stands in front of the target, kunai in hand, frowning. His thoughts are racing through his mind.

Gai could have been killed, but he wasn’t. He could still be killed every day, just like all his friends, just like Kakashi himself. It’s a fact of life, something they all live with until they inevitably die. It’s no reason to be thrown off balance.

And yet Kakashi knows he is off balance and it irritates him. He’s not going to lie to himself about it and pretend nothing is different. His routine has been upset, he can admit that.

Without looking he flings the kunai at the target. There’s the thump of it striking, striking true he sees, dead center. He shakes his head at himself and sighs.

The fault is his own. He has allowed himself to settle into this strangely cozy mindset; he has started to take things for granted. Maybe it’s the missions he’s been doing – A and B-ranks of no great relevance or difficulty – maybe it’s the missions Gai’s been doing with his little team of still-genin – mostly Cs with the odd B-rank thrown in. Although it’s only been about six months since the Third was killed in the attack during the chūnin exams, although Kakashi knows there will be more trouble – it’s only a question of time – he has been lulled into this absurd feeling of calm and safety by his uneventful day to day life. And Gai. Gai has been playing a major role. Kakashi can’t deny that.

_He makes me happy._

It’s weird and disturbing to spell it out like that even if it’s just in the privacy of his own thoughts, sure, but not a great revelation or anything. Gai has been his friend for almost as long as Kakashi can remember. Gai can make him smile; Gai can make him feel better, Kakashi has known this for years now.

The previous night, though, that was different. When he sat in Gai’s hospital room with Gai lying there helpless, inert, hurting, Kakashi felt like—

He felt exactly the way he does every time he stands in front of the cenotaph.

He already knows that his life is one of regret; it’s a fact he has accepted. He will walk the path of regret, forever looking back over his shoulder at the things he couldn’t keep. Only, he’s not walking alone anymore, hasn’t been for a while.

It’s not just Gai. There’s his team, too. They may have other teachers now, but they are still in his heart. He’s given them his promise and that made it official.

Thinking about them… well, it brings back a certain memory of Sasuke.

Sasuke bitterly asking him what he would do if everyone he cared about was killed and his own reply.

_They are all already dead._

_Liar,_ he thinks to himself, all pretense of training forgotten.

* * *

 

_Sarutobi Asuma_

There’s always the gentle fragrance of flowers in Kurenai’s bedroom. It’s something Asuma has yet to get used to. His own apartment is suffused with smoke most of the time as he is usually too lazy to go outside for a cigarette. Despite his landlord's disapproval, he likes lying on the couch or the bed and watch the blue wisps of smoke rise to the ceiling. It’s something he can’t do when he’s with his girlfriend, of course. Kurenai won’t tolerate indoor smoking.

She’s lying next to him, her beautiful body wrapped in a cocoon of pastel colored blankets. Asleep, she might as well be miles away.

He looks at her face, so peaceful and relaxed, her long lashes fanned out against the pale skin of her cheeks, as delicate as flower petals.

What drew her to him from the beginning: how familiar she is; how it feels like they have known each other forever and how, despite that, she still manages to surprise him every day.

Asuma sighs and reaches for her, but his hand stops inches from her skin. He doesn’t want to wake her. He doesn’t want to have to watch the softness of sleep drain from her features to be replaced by last night’s guarded look.

_Asuma…_ she said and he couldn’t read her expression, something hard underneath the shock. Something distant.

_I should have been faster, I should have…protected him,_ he said, honestly just because it seemed like what he was supposed to say. The words felt strange coming out of his mouth, insincere like a slight of hand, as if he was hoping to impress by deception.

The truth is that he can’t see himself protecting Gai because Gai doesn’t need protection. With Gai and him, with him and all the other guys it’s like this: they have each other’s backs; it’s a give and take; it’s--. He said something like that when Kurenai told him it wasn’t his fault and he can still see the way her expression shifted. A tiny lift of the eyebrows, her eyes widening for a split second, then narrowing again.

_They’re different to you, kunoichi and shinobi. You don’t look at us the same way._

Her voice had been cool, clinical, no accusation, no hurt. She showed him nothing, but he could feel that her perception of him had changed. Maybe just a tiny bit, but still.

Anyway, he couldn’t really deny it and he respected her too much to try.


	13. Chapter 13

_Maito Gai_

“I’m going to have to look at your stitches tomorrow,” Tsunade-sama says. “You’ll have to be on your stomach for that. Do you think you’ll be able to do that for me? I can give you a sedative if you need it.”

He pictures himself on his belly, his legs spread and her probing around there. The thought alone is unbearable, unfathomable almost. How is he supposed to go through that? As soon as he thinks it, he wants to slap himself. She is a medic. What is he thinking? Why would a word like “unbearable” even enter his mind? It shouldn’t be in his vocabulary.

“Of course, Hokage-sama,” Gai says, wishing he could muster up a shred of indignation. He hates how small he sounds, how diminished.

“Are you sure?” Her eyes are sharp and clear; they seem capable of seeing through his skin, of turning him into something shapeless and translucent like a jellyfish.

“Of course, Hokage-sama,” he repeats because it is all he can do.

“If there’s anything you need...If there’s anyone you want to talk to…”

She takes his hand and squeezes it and he has to do everything to keep himself from flinching. His skin feels raw and over-sensitive, even the feather weights of hospital gown and blanket feel wrong. The mattress seems to press against him from below, the dull ache in his lower body pummeling him from inside. It is all too much and Gai is painfully aware of the sweat beading on his forehead. He doesn’t want anyone to see him, but he’s terrified of the silence that will engulf him as soon as the Hokage leaves.

“My team?” The words scrape against his dry tongue. Where are they? He can’t remember.

“They’re still on a mission, but they should be back by tonight. Tomorrow morning at the latest. Do you want me to send them over as soon as they get back?”

Gai nods.

The weight of her hand is enormous to him and he has trouble meeting her too alert eyes, but he can’t look away either. His own skin must be damp and hot and unpleasant in her grip, it must be like holding on to a fresh turd.

“Alright,” she says, squeezing his hand again, “rest. Do you need anything to help you sleep?”

“No,” he lies because the idea of being pulled into a darkness studded with dreams and memories scares him.

“Okay.”

When she leaves, she closes the door so softly it makes no sound at all.

* * *

 

_You’re strong, Gai, and tomorrow you’ll be even stronger and the day after that? Even stronger!_

He used to think of memory as a room.

It was just there.

If you wanted to, you could enter and look around for a bit. Then you could leave and shut the door.

It would still be there, but you could always just keep that door shut.

Now he knows memory is a living thing. Like an animal it will lurk in the shadows, it will wait, but if you don’t come, it will hunt you down.


	14. Chapter 14

_Yūhi Kurenai_

_You make it sound like it’s worse because it happened to a man._

Did she really say that?

 _Idiot,_ she chastises herself.

Although she can feel the light on her eyelids, she doesn’t want to open her eyes yet. The sound of Asuma’s regular breathing is filling the room, white noise that could soothe her back to sleep.

Despite everything they went to bed together last night. There was no sex, just them, naked, each under their own blanket, side by side, not looking at each other. It was like a scene from a movie, the description in the script would read _couple_ _estranged after twenty years of marriage: they stare at the ceiling because they have nothing to say to each other anymore._

As if there was only a finite number of words you can say to another person and if you used them all up too carelessly, you ended up unable to ever speak to them again. Not because you don’t love them anymore, you’ve just run out of words.

But usually they don’t even argue. Asuma is not the type to fight. He’ll go quiet and walk out on her if he’s angry enough – something that has only happened once in the entire time she’s known him, but he won’t yell, he won’t berate her, he has never said a cruel word to her and won’t. She knows that.

_So why did I have to say that to him?_

What she wants to do is squeeze her eyes shut even more tightly until she has figured out a way to go back in time and unsay what she said. What she does, though, is this: she opens her eyes and finds Asuma looking at her, his brow furrowed with contrition. She can see his sadness and it seems to pry open her own locked up feelings like one criminal breaking his accomplices out of jail.

“I’m sorry,” they both say at the same time, their voices overlapping, not intertwining, but what their voices can’t do their bodies can. She slips out from under her blankets and into his open arms.

“You were right. I did act like it was worse,” Asuma murmurs, his breath stirring her hair. Hearing that almost makes her want to withdraw from him, She didn’t want to be right. His embrace is too tight, though, he’s holding on to her as if she’s the last piece of driftwood in a vast ocean. “But…seeing that happen to him, it made me realize that it could happen to me. That it could happen to _you_.”

 _I’ve always known that,_ Kurenai thinks, her sadness separate from his again as the difference between them opens up like a chasm. _I’ve always known that it could happen to me. We all have, don’t you see that?_

* * *

 

_Hatake Kakashi_

They’ve given him a week off, so he has nothing to do. Training is a bust; he can’t really focus. At home there’s housework he does with robotic efficiency and apathy. He thinks about going mountain climbing just to get away for a bit, but then an image of Gai in his hospital bed surfaces in his mind and he reconsiders.

He doesn’t want to be too far away.

* * *

 

_Tenten_

It’s early afternoon when they arrive at the gates and Tenten feels very tempted to say I told you so. She doesn’t because it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. The boys don’t care if they would have had enough time for a big breakfast at the inn and a lunch break and still would have come back early. All they care about is proving once again that Team Gai – with or without their sensei – is Konoha’s fastest squad.

“I’m sure there are Anbu who are faster than us,” Tenten said once, which only made Lee frown for one second, then his face was lit up by that very same slightly manic glow Tenten had grown to fear. “But that’s great,” he exclaimed, “that means we have room to improve!”

_Ugh._

“Let’s just go to the mission desk and get rid of these gross things, okay?” Tenten grumbles. Her legs hurt, her arms hurt and, guess what, her head hurts too. After three days in the Forest of Death collecting the stinky mushrooms ruining her backpack right this moment, all she wants is to go home, take a long bath and crawl into bed.

“Do you think Gai-sensei is back from his mission yet?” Lee asks, sounding way too energetic for someone who spent days in the forest gathering mushrooms while fighting off giant flesh-eating insects.

“It’s possible,” Neji replies, his voice a shrug.

 _I don’t care,_ thinks Tenten. She wouldn’t dream of saying it aloud, though, because it would be the worst kind of sacrilege to Lee and she’s not in the mood for a fight. So she just sighs and walks down the road in silence while next to her Lee is quietly radiating hope and expectation, his very own small sun.


	15. Chapter 15

_Hyūga Neji_

Neji is exhausted, bone-tired, barely able to walk. He’d never admit it, of course - because it would only result in Lee telling him he has to train harder and Tenten smugly lecturing him she told them they should have taken a break earlier but oh no, they had to be stubborn about it.

It never ends with those two.

So he keeps walking, side by side with them, never falling behind.

Luckily the Hokage residence isn’t far from the gate; it’s only a couple of minutes and the trip is blessfully quiet with Tenten no doubt silently cursing them for making her hurry back to the village when they had more than enough time left and Lee already planning his next marathon training session with Gai-sensei.

Neji for his part is thinking about his futon and his quiet room back at the Hyūga compound, where he will first do a few kata then take a quick shower and hopefully get rid of the stink of days spent in the forest of death before finally slipping under his blanket and going to sleep.

He can’t remember the last time he was looking forward to something this much.

They enter the residence in single file. Lee steps through the door first then stands awkwardly behind it to hold it open for his teammates.

The mission desk is manned by a lanky chūnin who is reclining in his chair with arms folded behind his head as if he’s at the beach trying to get a tan. His eyes are closed and remain that way until Lee politely clears his throat.

“Excuse me,” Lee says. At the same time Tenten tosses her backpack at the guy’s head. Neji has to suppress a smile.

“Hey!” she yells as the chūnin fumbles to catch the thing.“Don’t sleep on the job!”

“Ahhh, no, I can’t take this. Just hand in your mission scroll…This stuff’s supposed to go to--” He holds the backpack away from his body, out to Tenten, who merely shakes her head.“Nope, we’re done.”

Shrugging, Neji puts the mission scroll and his backpack on the desk.

“I apologize.” Lee bows and then sets his backpack down next to Neji’s.

The desk nin’s eyes widen as realization hits: he might actually have to get up and take the delivery wherever it’s supposed to go. This does not seem to please him and so he starts to get up, presumably to keep them from leaving without their backpacks.“Oi, you guys…”

“Bye!” Tenten calls over her shoulder. They’re out the door before the guy even gets out from behind his desk.

“Can you believe that guy? How come he’s a chūnin and we’re still genin? That’s just embarrassing…” Tenten says when they’re on the street again.

“We definitely have to work harder!”

It’s Lee’s standard reply for everything so Neji doesn’t even bother to answer. Tenten sighs and for a few seconds there’s only the sound of gravel crunching under their sandals.

“Hey! Wait a minute!” Behind them the door practically flies open, spitting out the chūnin. He’s waving his hands around, standing by the open door, too lazy to actually run after them.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!” Tenten spins around. She’s never more short-tempered than when she’s hungry or tired, Neji knows that, but this poor guy doesn’t. “We’ve just come back from the Forest of Death, okay? And you’re telling me you can’t even move your butt out of your chair for the two minutes it takes to bring those disgusting things--”

“No, that’s not it,” the guy interrupts her. He’s wipes the sweat from his brow. “You’re Maito Gai-san’s students, right?”

This can’t be good. Instantly, Neji’s shoulders tense. People usually don’t ask this kind of question, or at least not like this, not with their face twisting into an apologetic grimace.

“Yeah…” Tenten says, the wind completely out of her sails now.

“I’m supposed to tell you that Gai-san’s at the hospital.Um, so you should go there, I guess.”

“What?! Gai-sensei is hurt?! What happened?! How is he?! Why didn’t you tell us earlier?!”

Neji steps in before Lee can grab the desk nin and shake him by the shoulders.

“Calm down,” he tells his teammate although deep down he knows he himself isn’t as calm as he should be. “We’ll go to the hospital; they’ll be able to tell us what happened.” It’s the smartest thing they can do right now; it’s what they’re supposed to do.

Neji isn’t worried he tells himself, even the sudden pallor of Tenten’s face and Lee’s clenched fists don’t worry him.

Gai-sensei is too ridiculous to really get hurt.


	16. Chapter 16

_Rock Lee_

At first he can’t believe his ears, then the questions start pouring from his mouth. He takes a couple of steps toward the chūnin, but Neji stops him, putting a hand on Lee’s chest over his thundering heart. Neji must feel them, he thinks abstractly, those rib-shattering beats.

“Calm down. We’ll go the hospital; they’ll be able to tell us what happened.”

Right. Of course. Neji is right.

Then… The hospital!

There is nothing else Lee needs, just a goal, a target, give him something he can strive to reach and that’s what he’ll do. So he whips around and starts running.

Lee takes to the rooftops because it’s the fastest way to get where he wants to go, up the walls and over the shingles, leaping from house to house. Neji’s and Tenten’s voices ring out behind him, simultaneously, “Lee!” and “Wait!”. He won’t listen today; they’ll catch up, they always do eventually.

As he runs all he can think about is Gai-sensei hurt. It’s a mind numbing thought, something he can’t quite comprehend because he’s never seen it before. _It must have been an incredible foe,_ he thinks, biting his lip as the wind rushes past. He can’t imagine what kind of person could injure Gai-sensei. A monster maybe.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that Gai-sensei is here now and that he needs Lee.

* * *

 

When he was in the hospital less than a year ago, Gai-sensei was there for him every day. And every night.

The moment Lee pushes open the glass double doors with too much force, a memory flashes through his mind. Waking up and turning his head to see Gai-sensei asleep in a chair next to his bed. The weight of Gai-sensei’s hand on his. It was the first time he felt like his life meant something to someone. Like he was loved. One of his most precious memories.

Precious memories – a concept he only understood after the formation of Team Gai.

Swallowing thickly, against the flood of emotion threatening to overwhelm him, Lee runs to the male nurse at the desk. The young man, not much older than Lee himself, jumps up, ready for an emergency.

“Can you tell me where Maito Gai’s room is? _Please?”_ He knows he sounds desperate, but that’s only fitting because he _is_ desperate and saying the name Maito Gai instead of Gai-sensei feels so strange, like he is talking about someone else, someone who doesn’t even know him.

“Lee-kun?” The male nurse does a double-take and at the sound of his name Lee stops looking around frantically for a sign of his sensei and for the first time really sees the young man in front of him. They know each other, he realizes, from the time when he was hospitalized after the chūnin exams. In fact, Lee has an embarrassing memory tied to the other boy, whose name, he now remembers, is Go.

At the hospital back then on one of the mornings Lee woke up to Gai-sensei asleep in the chair next to his bed, Go-san walked in and said, “Your dad was here all night; he’s really worried about you, so you’ll just have to hurry up and get better!” Go-san smiled while he said it and Lee blushed and didn’t correct him. His heart beating loudly in his chest, he felt as though he was a thief slipping an invaluable gem into his pocket. The truth was that he wanted to keep those few moments locked in his heart, even though he knew they weren’t his. Sometime between then and Lee’s release, Go-san found out the truth, but he never said anything about it for which Lee was endlessly grateful. Pretending he really could be Gai-sensei's son, that someone that wonderful could be his father, that this amazing man could love him like that... He'd been happier than he'd ever been before.

Go-san is smiling at him now, he realizes, genuine pleasure shining in his eyes. “You really have made a complete recovery. I’m glad!”

“Please? Gai-sensei’s room?” Lee repeats. He knows he’s being rude to someone who has shown him nothing but kindness, but he can’t. He can’t focus on anything but his sensei.

“Of course.” Go-san flips open the folder on his desk, his right index finger sliding down each new page until it suddenly stops near the bottom of the third one. “Maito Gai… Ah, it says no vis—Wait, you can go in. Room 150, it’s right down the hallway on the left.”

“Thank you very much!” Lee starts running again, just as he hears Tenten and Neji come through the entrance. “Room 150!” he calls over his shoulder without slowing down.

“This is a hospital…” Go-san’s weak protests are as lost on Lee as Tenten’s tired sigh.


	17. Chapter 17

_Tenten_

The air in Konoha’s hospital has always felt more stuffy and oppressive to Tenten than anywhere else. Maybe it’s because she has spent too much time in this place already. Not too long ago she sat by her teammates’ bed sides, first Lee almost half of his body crushed after his chūnin exam fight , then Neji who’d been brought back to the village with a _hole_ in his _chest_ … and even before that, when her mother was—

No use dwelling on it.

But whenever she steps through those double doors, she automatically braces herself for the worst.

“Room 150,” Lee yells at them and with that he’s gone again, down the hallway in a green blur. Tenten sighs, forcing herself to ignore the nausea washing over her. Hospital smells seem to engulf them like poison gas and she hates it, hates the flutter in her chest, too. Gai-sensei is strong and stubborn and exhausting, she tells herself. He’ll be fine. She’s never seen anyone recover as quickly as he does.

 _I’m probably in worse shape than he is right now,_ she thinks. Trying to keep up with Lee was definitely too much. Neji, too, is breathing heavily next to her.

“Let’s just go, Tenten,” he says and lightly touches her arm as though she might need reminding of his existence.

“Okay,” she says. Her knees are wobbly like the ground is shifting beneath her.

* * *

 

_Maito Gai_

He is fighting before he is fully awake, punching at whoever is trying to hold him down, struggling against the confines around his legs. It’s happening again. The certainty is burrowing into him like a living creature, like a giant worm eating his insides. It’s happening again and it will always keep happening. Again and again. He’ll never be safe.

“No!” The desperation in his voice freezes the blood in his veins. Gasping, he opens his eyes. When did he become so weak?

“Gai-sensei!” A cacophony of three voices, all shouting the same thing. One of them is breathless, unusually hoarse, the other two higher pitched than normal, with shock, he realizes as his eyes snap open and he sees Neji and Tenten rushing towards him.

“I’m sorry…” Lee isn’t with them. He’s on the floor next to Gai’s bed. “I didn’t mean to wake you up, sensei! Please forgive me!” Watching the boy scramble to his feet, Gai feels his panic yield to mortification. He’s punched his beloved student, who approached him with nothing but tender concern in his heart! It’s unforgivable!

“Don’t apologize, Lee! I’m the one who has to beg for forgiveness! You were worried about me and I—I hurt you!”

“No, Gai-sensei! I should have known better! After all, you are an amazing taijutsu master, of course your reflexes would be splendid, even in sleep!”

Lee’s words, his beautiful, shining eyes, as usual, they touch Gai deeply. For a moment it feels like the world is back in balance, like things might be alright.

“Lee!” he exclaims, opening his arms in invitation.

“Gai-sensei!” With that Lee leaps at him and it is awkward at first. Gai is only half sitting up in bed, the transparent tube of his IV is between them and Lee’s hands on his back press down on Gai’s bruises, but he doesn’t care as long as he can hold his student.

“Okay, I guess we can all relax now. Obviously, he’s going to be okay…” sighs Tenten. He knows she wants to sound exasperated, but Gai can hear the relief in her voice, a bright glimmer like the first light of day. If he hadn’t been crying already, he would have started now.

“Hn.” Neji is being his usual standoffish self and Gai won’t have that. He lets go of Lee with one arm and with his free hand snags Neji’s wide sleeve to pull him in.

“Oi! What--” Neji’s exclamation is smothered against Gai’s chest. Tenten is next; she knows what’s coming and she knows better than to try to escape.

“Sensei!” she protests, but somehow manages to fit herself quite neatly between her teammates.

Gai mourns the fact that his arms aren’t long enough to really hug all three of them anymore, but still, maybe here and now, maybe in this moment, he can revel in their warmth and just be.

* * *

 

_The Anbu Captain_

It’s six o’clock in the evening when he gets home – early, some might say, but not when considering that he left his house two days ago. Even mere training sessions held in Konoha are grueling; Anbu members don’t get breaks.

He’s tired, dirty and stinky and exhaustion has eroded his alertness down to a fraction. It’s hard just to walk upright. He has to support himself with one hand against the wall.

Later he’ll tell himself that this is why he didn’t realize someone else was in his apartment. Because he was too tired. Not because the man casually lounging on his couch, his feet on his table, is (still) the superior shinobi.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait, but I have been (and to a lesser extent still am) very sick.

_The Anbu Captain_

“Kakashi-senpai!” He stumbles to a halt and has to hold on to the doorframe in order to not keel over from the mixture of surprise and exhaustion.

Senpai shoots him his usual smile that never reveals itself beyond the way his skin crinkles around his closed eye. As far as expressions go it could almost be anything, but this time it is accompanied by a lethargic wave of the hand that he takes as his former captain’s version of a warm greeting.

“Yo, Tenzō! Welcome home.” Kakashi leans forward and picks up the open bottle of beer on the couch table by its perspiring neck. “Want some? There’s a couple more bottles in the fridge.”

“I know, senpai. I’m the one who put them there.” He can’t help the feeling of warmth spreading in his chest any more than he can stop himself from walking over and letting himself fall on the couch next to Kakashi. Their thighs brush when he puts his feet on the table. “After I bought them. With my money.”

“Is that so…?” Undeterred, Kakashi lifts the bottle to his lips, whose outline Tenzō can barely see through the mask. Before the bottle touches the fabric, Tenzō snatches it away and takes a long drink, canting his head back and letting the beer flow down his parched throat. It gives him the double satisfaction of quenching his thirst and getting to ignore Kakashi’s “Oi!” of protest.

However, there’s a mischievous spark in Kakashi’s eye when Tenzō sets the empty bottle down again.

“Indirect kiss,” he says and this time Tenzō knows exactly what kind of expression his senpai’s mask is hiding. A smirk that probably only widens as he feels himself blush, warmth rising to his cheeks. Kakashi’s mock-flirtatious tone always gets him.

“You’re wearing a mask, senpai,” Tenzō points out to defend himself from the suggestive look Kakashi is giving him.

“But was I wearing it before you got here?” he asks, raising his eyebrow. “Or did I only pull it back up when I heard you come in?”

Indirect kiss? It’s a childish concept kids at the academy giggle about, Tenzō tells himself. He’s a grown man and Kakashi is teasing him and it’s _working._

“Senpai,” he says in his most exasperated voice, rolling his eyes and shaking his head, but Kakashi merely chuckles again.

“I guess you’ll just never know, Tenzō-kun.”

* * *

 

_Tenten_

Gai-sensei is _tired,_ which is something Tenten doesn’t think she’s ever seen before. At least not like this. His pallor and the circles under his eyes, the parchment-like, bloodless lips he keeps pressing together as if biting back pain when he thinks no one is watching. The sheen of sweat on his forehead and the way his fingers worry at the blanket restlessly, nervously. It makes her uncomfortable to look at him, makes her feel like she should grab the boys and leave so their sensei can get some rest.

But Lee is too busy bombarding Gai-sensei with questions – and even if he wasn’t, he was never any good at picking up on the atmosphere in a room. Anyway, it’s a constant onslaught of “What can we do?” “Do you need anything, sensei?” “Should we get you something from your apartment?” “I saw a vending machine outside; would you like me to buy you something?” “Are you hungry?” “Are you thirsty?” “Are you too hot?” “Are you cold?”

Tenten is sure that if Gai-sensei said one word, Lee would run to the end of the world to fulfill their teacher’s every wish, Gai-sensei, however, barely says anything. He looks troubled, she thinks. His laughter sounds tinny and fake and most of all weak.

His replies are shorter than usual; there is no hour long explanation detailing the highs and lows of his mission complete with voice impersonations of his squad, all he has to say when Neji asks him what happened is that they were attacked unexpectedly and he had to open the seventh gate. The details, he tells them sheepishly, are classified, but what it all boils down to is that he overdid it “a little bit”. He’ll be fine in no time! That’s a promise!

Tenten doesn’t quite buy it, but then she’s never been one for Gai-sensei’s borderline aggressive brand of optimism and she’s too tired herself to muster up any enthusiasm. Maybe, she thinks, considering her current aches and pains and the noxious smell of those horrible mushrooms that still clings to her skin and clothes, maybe it’s really not that bad and she’s just projecting her own misery on her sensei.

* * *

 

They almost decide leave when Gai-sensei falls asleep in the middle of Lee’s retelling of their mission in the Forest of Death. For a moment Lee is completely stricken with shock. Nothing like this has ever happened before, it’s unthinkable! Gai-sensei and Lee usually hang on each other’s every word.

Seeing that Gai-sensei’s eyes have fallen shut, Lee gasps, his own eyes instantly growing moist with unshed tears. “Gai-sensei fell asleep! I overexerted him! Why didn’t you stop me?” he whisper-wails at Tenten and Neji before turning back to his sensei. “I’m so sorry, Gai-sensei, please forgive me!”

Tenten can smell the impending self-imposed rule. It’ll probably be something even more insane than usual because Lee has just committed what to him must be his greatest failure yet. So she quickly grabs his arm and pulls him away from the bed.

“Come on, Lee! It’s not your fault. Sensei’s just tired. Plus, they probably gave him some meds that made him sleepy.” With some effort she manages to drag him a couple of steps towards the door. “We should let him rest for now.”

Neji nods, but Lee digs his heels into the floor, shaking his head violently.

“No, Tenten, I will stay! When I was injured, Gai-sensei watched over me day and night! How could I leave him now?”

Exasperated, Tenten pulls harder on Lee’s arm. Naturally, it’s like trying to move Hokage Mountain. “That was because that sand creep was trying to murder you in your sleep! This is different! Gai-sensei is going to be fine!” Even as she says it she catches herself thinking, _Though he’s definitely not fine now…_

“Stop making such a ruckus, Lee. You’ll only wake him up,” Neji says but other than that makes no move to help Tenten.

“I--- I can’t go. Gai-sensei is hurt…” Lee’s voice sounds dangerously close to breaking. It makes Tenten look past him at the bed where her teacher is sleeping restlessly, frowning, his hands clawing at the sheets.

“He’d never leave one of us like this,” Lee says.

No, Gai-sensei wouldn’t. He’d be there all night and then, in the morning you’d wake up to his cheesy grin and some ridiculous line about a smile being the best medicine. Tenten’s grip falters.

An irrational anger expands in her chest. Suddenly, she wants to walk over to the bed, grab Gai-sensei by the shoulders and shake him. _Pull yourself together,_ she wants to yell. _We shouldn’t have to see you like this! You’re Gai-sensei, you’re supposed to be annoying, loud, embarrassing and downright weird. You’re supposed to be—_

_\--indestructible._

She swallows against the tightness in her throat.

“Tenten?” To avoid Neji’s searching gaze she turns to the door. It’s no good anyway; Neji’s just too damn perceptive sometimes and she can feel his eyes boring into her back.

She folds her arms across her chest and doesn’t turn around. “Fine, but you go talk to the nurses, Lee, and you better get us a bed, too, because there’s no way I’m sleeping in a chair.”


	19. Chapter 19

_Hatake Kakashi_

The path up to the memorial is winding. Branches snag at his face, his shoulders, his hair. He has to duck under a low-hanging arm, a gnarled, twisted thing and his chest tightens with dread. The sky above is dark and ominous. Something flickers in the distance, reminding him of the fires that night, the stench of smoke and ashes that wouldn’t leave his clothes no matter how often he washed them.

But tonight is not that night and he is just doing what he always does: paying a quick visit to Sensei and Obito and Rin, whose names are on the stone, their ashes buried in the dense Konoha earth. Rin’s and Sensei’s, that is, and there are nights when Kakashi can’t close his eyes for fear of seeing crows pick at Obito’s bones.

The forest opens up around the memorial, suddenly, like a parting veil, and he finds himself facing not the stone, but two men, their backs obscuring his view.

They are too busy to notice him. One of them is crouching, the other seems to be holding something and from between them erupts the rhythmic clang of a hammer striking metal striking stone. The sound reverberates through Kakashi and shakes loose a nameless horror, the cold certainty of death.

He has to stop them.

The crouching man lifts his hammer. The other one shifts and Kakashi can see. He can see what they are doing. What they’re writing. The kana stand out sharply in the faint moonlight, their freshly cut edges like razorblades. Ma-i-to-ga and the chisel’s point placed expectantly on the surface of the stone.

“No, don’t!” Kakashi leaps forward, his arm outstretched, reaching for the man’s wrist.

“What are you doing?” The other one, Ebisu, glares at him over the top of his dark glasses.

“Let go of me, Kakashi. I’ve got to do this. You know that,” says Genma without turning around. His wrist is icy under Kakashi’s fingers. No pulse under his pale skin. “You’re too late. You didn’t save him. You let him die.”

His breath cuts into his lungsthe same way the realization cuts into his heart. It’s true. Gai is dead. He’s gone. Forever.

_“No!”_

* * *

 

It takes a few seconds for his eye to adjust to the darkness around him. When it does, the shadows slowly morph into the familiar shapes of Tenzō’s living-room. Kakashi is panting, sitting up on Tenzō’s couch, a blanket wrapped around his legs, half kicked-off.

“Senpai!” Tenzō appears in the doorway, almost as breathless as Kakashi, and then the light is clicked on, blinding them both for a few seconds.

By the time Kakashi has gotten his bearings, Tenzō is by his side, lightly touching his shoulder. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “You were screaming.”

“It's nothing. I’m fine.” He looks past Tenzō’s striped pajama at the dark rectangle of the window.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Yes, there’s a hint of amusement in Tenzō’s voice. He might feel like this is some kind of divine retribution for Kakashi’s earlier behavior.

Kakashi shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he repeats, the lie perfectly obvious but a million times easier to speak than the truth. Then, as the impulse hits him, he straightens up and swings his legs off the couch. “I should go.”

“It’s two in the morning,” Tenzō points out, frowning. Actual concern is in his voice now.

 _Always a softie_ , _my little kohai,_ Kakashi thinks fondly.

“I have to go,” is what he says, though, and there isn't much warmth in the words. The dream has drained it from his body, leaving nothing but ice in his veins.

“After breaking into my apartment, drinking all my beer and falling asleep on my couch suddenly you have to go?”

“Yeah, sorry, Tenzō.”

“Where do you have to be at two in the morning?”

Kakashi slides his hand through his hair, brushing errant strands out of his eye. This is so like Tenzō. To switch from being annoyed to being worried in less than two seconds. Kakashi looks down, at the blanket that has fallen to the floor. He has no idea where it came from, which means that Tenzō must have draped it over him while he was sleeping.

“I have to break in somewhere else now,” he says and gets up. Under his mask his lips quirk into the briefest of smiles.

Tenzō sighs, but steps aside. “I’m going back to bed. Do what you want.” It sounds exasperated, mostly. For whatn it's worth, Kakashi can’t detect actual hurt in his kohai’s voice, which is a relief.

“Thanks.” With that he leaves the way he came, through the window. He slips into the night and doesn’t hesitate to turn his back on the way to his apartment and head for the hospital instead.


	20. Chapter 20

_Hyūga Neji_

He knows it’s a meaningless gesture by this point, but he’s still staying. It’s silly, he knows that too, but that’s what being a part of Team Gai is most of the time. So Neji keeps quiet when Lee pleads with Shizune-san who frowns and folds her arms across her chest but ultimately allows them to spend the night under the condition that they’ll be gone by the time Tsunade-sama shows up to do her rounds.

Tenten gets her bed. Lee pushes it into the room for her – there’s barely enough space and they end up having to push Gai-sensei’s a little closer to the wall which makes Lee break into cold sweat. Neji has no doubt that if their teacher had woken up, Lee would have committed seppuku then and there.

Finally, Tenten curls up on the bed, making herself small enough to leave room for Neji and instantly falls asleep. Neji sighs, unsure what to do next. Lee has retaken his seat in the chair now wedged between Gai-sensei’s bed and the wall. He’s holding Gai-sensei’s hand like a lifeline; you couldn’t pry him away with a crowbar. They’ve switched off the light; the room is dark and all Neji wants to do is sleep.

So he sits down on the bed. Behind him Tenten makes a small sound in her sleep and shifts. She is facing Gai-sensei’s bed, he rolls over to face the door. The room is filled with the sounds of his team mates’ breathing. Neji closes his eyes and lets their presence wash over him.

It might be silly, but for the moment it feels to him like he is exactly where he is supposed to be.

* * *

 

When Neji wakes up he isn’t sure how much time has passed or why he is even awake. At first he thinks Tenten might have kicked him in her sleep – it wouldn’t have been the first time – but then he hears something.

A soft scraping sound followed by a click.

Someone is at the window.

He lies very still, focusing his chakra. Activating the Byakugan while trying to suppress the chakra pulse is difficult, but Neji has been training relentlessly the past six months. He’s going to make chūnin soon; there’s no way he’ll fail the next exams.

Maybe should pinch Tenten to wake her up, but a startled yelp from her would definitely give them away. For now he’ll lie low and assess the situation.

His Byakugan reveals Lee who is slumped over in his chair, fast asleep, his head resting on Gai-sensei’s chest and Gai-sensei doesn’t seem to have moved at all since they decided to stay.

Neji looks past them. There’s movement at the window; it swings open silently and someone climbs in. He stiffens, then relaxes abruptly when he recognizes the chakra pattern. Hatake Kakashi. There’s no doubt. It’s the Copy ninja.

_What’s he doing here?_

Neji isn’t sure how late it is, but he knows that by the time he switched off the light it was around ten pm. He fell asleep soon after and he figures that a couple of hours must have passed since then. So it must be around midnight, probably even later than that. Definitely too late for a hospital visit.

Hatake Kakashi, though, is a fairly strange man. A jōnin of legendary skill and supposedly a genius, Neji still knows him best as Gai-sensei’s so-called eternal rival. Of course, that ridiculous title is Gai-sensei’s creation, but Neji has seen the famous Copy Ninja engage in Gai-sensei’s often pretty stupid challenges. He might do it reluctantly, he might roll his eyes and sigh and shrug and pretend he doesn’t listen, but the point is he never walks away.

Neji didn’t understand it at first, but now that he’s been Gai-sensei’s student and Lee’s team mate for two years, he feels like he is starting to get it. Gai-sensei is a good person. It’s as simple as that. Under all the weirdness, the terrible hair cut, the strange mannerisms, the insane obsession with spandex and youth, Gai-sensei is a caring, loyal friend, not to mention an incredibly strong shinobi.

If Hatake Kakashi has known Gai-sensei even half as long as Gai-sensei claims, he should know this better than anyone.

Still, it’s the middle of the night. If Kakashi-sensei is here to show his concern for his friend, he could have waited till morning. Gai-sensei isn’t going anywhere.

Keeping his face turned to the door, his back to Kakashi, Neji uses the Byakugan to watch quietly as the jōnin sneaks to Gai-sensei’s bedside. Kakashi-sensei moves without making a sound. Careful not to disturb Lee, he leans forward a little and reaches out.

For a strange couple of seconds Kakashi-sensei’s hand rests on Gai-sensei’s shoulder. Neji can see his thumb brush over Gai-sensei’s collarbone. Then Kakashi bends a little lower, until his face is close enough to Gai-sensei’s cheek to touch. It looks like he is whispering something to Gai-sensei, but Neji can’t make out the movement of his lips. His heart is pounding, his stomach queasy. He has no idea what he is seeing. Then Kakashi straightens up and leaves the way he came.

Team Gai is alone again in the darkness, the quiet interrupted only by Tenten’s and Lee’s soft snores.

No more than a few minutes later, Neji isn’t sure if he saw anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would appreciate some kind of feedback. Is anyone still reading this?


	21. Chapter 21

_Hatake Kakashi_

He didn’t expect the kids to be there, but in hindsight it seems obvious. Gai has raised them well, with a strong sense of loyalty, Kakashi thinks; maybe he has even done a better job than Kakashi has with his team. It’s painful to think about team seven these days, although he tells himself that they will be fine. In the long run, he won’t let them down.

He is relieved now. In the darkness of his hospital room Gai looked a lot better than the previous night. His sleep was calm and deep, no nightmares seemed to be troubling him.

When he woke up on Tenzō’s couch, Kakashi felt as if he was wrapped in a straightjacket of pure terror. The dream had wracked his nerves and left him convinced that Gai was actually dead. He couldn’t stay with his kohai; he had to go to the hospital. His heart pounding wildly the whole way, he ran as though a whole squad of hunter nin was chasing him and didn’t stop until he was by Gai’s side.

Now that he’s back home, in his own bed, still unable to sleep, Kakashi does feel a little foolish. He’s staring at the ceiling, turning over the night’s events in his mind. Gai is going to be fine. That’s the long and short of it. He’s scratched and bruised and has a fever, but that’s all. Kakashi has seen a lot worse. It’s certainly nothing to lose his head over.

He sighs and folds his arms behind his head. His bedroom is quiet, cool, familiar. The only sound is the steady ticking of his alarm clock.

Lately, when he thinks about Gai, he starts thinking about the future. He starts wondering if there will be a time when he won’t have to worry about shadowy organizations being after one of his students, about his other student going AWOL and the possibility of impending war.

Well, at least that last one will probably never go away.

Then there are missions and death. There’s always death.

The odds that he will have to live through Gai’s death are pretty high. Kakashi has thought about this more often and more deeply than he would like to admit. The only way he won’t have to deal with Gai’s death is if he dies first. One of those unpleasant facts of life.

His father’s death almost destroyed him. He was seven years old and he swore he’d never feel anything again. Then there were Obito and Rin, but the truth is that he only truly loved them in hindsight. Minato-sensei was hard, almost as if a part of himself had been ripped away, leaving a gaping, bleeding hole that even now wasn’t fully healed.

Kakashi cares about Tenzō, he cares about his students, he cares about the other jōnin, the people he grew up with and he cares about Gai. He can admit that now; he’s not that boy anymore.

Allowing that thought makes him remember the feel of Gai’s skin, so soft that Kakashi had to brush his thumb across the reassuring solidness of Gai’s collarbone. Instinctively, he leaned closer to catch a whiff of Gai’s scent, but it was covered by the antiseptic smell of the hospital.

Kakashi’s not someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, quite the opposite, really, but he’ll go talk to Gai in the morning.

* * *

 

_Maito Gai_

Morning comes too quickly. He wakes up with a start and feels the jolt that goes through the weight on his chest. One blink and there is Lee, sitting upright and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Sensei! Good morning! How are you feeling? Do you need anything?”

Lee’s concern warms Gai’s heart even as he yearns for sleep, to be dead to the world, so he doesn’t have to feel, to remember.

“Too loud,” comes a disgruntled groan from the bed next to his. Was there another bed on his room when he went to sleep? Gai frowns, wondering. In the other bed the sheets shift to reveal Tenten’s scrunched-up face. She sends an unfocused glare in Lee’s general direction and asks, “What time is it?”

At the foot of the bed a blanket stirs, and there is Neji, sitting up and smoothing his hair. He looks less tired than Tenten, who is trying in vain to get her tangled hair back into her usual neat buns, but nowhere near as energetic as Lee, who is already on his feet.

Looking from one of his students to the next, Gai has to really fight down the tears blurring his gaze. They stayed by his side all night! He can’t believe it! Such love and care; it’s more than he deserves.

“You guys…” he mumbles, overcome with emotions, “You didn’t have to do this…”

“We can’t stay,” Neji says calmly, even as Lee falls into Gai’s arms for a rib-crushing embrace, “we had to promise Shizune-san we’d be gone before the Hokage gets here.”

Tenten nods. “We just didn’t want to leave you here all alone last night.”

Her tone is strange, Gai thinks, he can’t read the emotions in her voice at all and she’s looking away from him, avoiding his eyes.

Shame rushes into him. Gently, he pushes Lee away and clears his throat. Tsunade-sama’s words come back to him. She’ll want to look at his stitches today. He’ll be on his stomach—

“We can just wait outside for a bit, Gai-sensei! Then—“

“No, Lee!” The boy’s startled, wide eyes tell him that he sounded too harsh, his voice hoarse with the panic turning his stomach. Gai swallows and forces a weak smile. “It’s no good to spend all day at the hospital! You’re in the Springtime of your Youth! Don’t waste it! I want you to train today! You can come back tomorrow! Stronger than today!”

“Of course, Gai-sensei!” shouts Lee while Neji sighs and Tenten groans.

* * *

 

Gai deflates the moment they’re out the door. His hands are shaking and, angry at his own weakness, he clenches them into fists.

He doesn’t want anyone to see him.


	22. Chapter 22

_Shizune_

After the kids have gone it’s time for her to prepare Gai-senpai for his exam. He needs a sponge bath before Tsunade-sama arrives. Shizune thinks they have about twenty minutes. Gai isn’t unconscious or too feverish anymore to do most of the washing himself, but she’ll probably have to do his back for him. He might not like that – in fact, she’s quite certain that he’ll be very uncomfortable – but there’s no way around it.

When she enters his room, a small tub filled with warm, soapy water in her arms, Gai is sitting up in bed, his eyes on the window. She doubts he even sees the blue sky beyond the glass pane and his head turning towards her at the sound of the door looks like an instinctive reaction. The expression on his face is devoid of interest; it’s pinched and bruised, braced for pain.

She knows that look, she’s seen it on many faces, and she’s worn it herself during the war, skin stiff like a mask, eyes unseeing. You don’t feel, you function. It makes her glad she allowed his students to spend the night in his room. Gai may not need to be on suicide watch, but it never hurts to make sure. With the kids there, she knows he won’t try anything.

“Gai-senpai,” Closing the door with her elbow takes a bit of skill, but Shizune manages. She also manages to muster a gentle smile as she walks up to his bed. “How are you feeling?”

It’s like she flipped a switch or like Gai flipped it himself with effort visible only in the flashing of his eyes. He springs to life and his voice rings out without a tremor.

“Bursting with energy! I can’t wait to get out of this bed!”

Shinobi are amazing when it comes to lying; they’re made for it, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to Shizune that Gai is no exception, but somehow it does. Maybe it’s because she still sees him as that awkward boy who was always a couple of steps behind everyone else in the academy.

Gai is sitting ramrod straight now, beaming at her, the hard glint in his eyes like moonlight on metal. An icy shiver runs down Shizune’s spine; he’s never been more of a stranger to her than now.

“You can wash yourself before Tsunade-sama gets here for your exam. I’ll help you if you need me to,” she says, her gaze slipping from his face to his neck. It’s easier not to look him in the eye even though she knows Tsunade-sama would scold her for this. Avoiding a patient’s gaze is a sign of insecurity, weakness and might be read as deceitfulness.

However, Gai doesn’t seem to notice. He’s very still, hands folded over the covers in his lap, not moving a muscle like a mouse frozen in front of a snake.

“Okay,” he says.

* * *

 

She gives him a little bit of privacy although it’s mostly for show at this point as she was the one who treated him at the docks. Then, she saw his injuries for the first time, the colorful pattern of bruises that made his body look like a canvas for watercolors. They seemed centered on his genitals and in their shape Shizune could see the hands that had grasped and pulled, squeezed and twisted, ripped and scratched. The blood crusted hole at the epicenter of Gai’s suffering she doesn’t want to think about.

Gai is a little damp still, so she hands him the second towel she picked up when she gave him time to wash. He’s smiling a brittle smile and she can see the wheels turning in his head. He’s fishing for something to say, something that will sound like him.

“That was refreshing, Shizune, but next time make the water a little hotter or colder! Lukewarm water is no use! A good bath has to be either scalding hot or icy cold!”

“Do you need me to wash your back for you?” Shizune asks, ignoring his interjection.

“No, I already did! This Blue Beast is very flexible, you know.” Gai shoots her a grin, a flash of startlingly white teeth, and winks. His behavior seems manic to her; it’s unsettling, even more so when it reminds her of late nights at the bar with Kurenai and Anko and drunken, stupid conversations.

_Sooo… what about Gai, hmmm? You think he’s as hot-blooded and energetic in bed as he is on the training grounds and everywhere else?_

Shizune grits her teeth. It’s not like they only ever talk about men, but often it’s better than talking about the missions that make up the biggest part of their lives. Those nights Anko likes playing the sex-crazed minx, but Shizune knows that she – like all of them – is very careful about picking her lovers. And how many nights did she and Kurenai play along, just to pretend for a couple of hours that they are those women, the kind who have nothing more complicated to worry about than finding a husband or a hot fling.

“Okay, Tsunade-sama will be here in a couple of minutes.” She hesitates. Once again Gai’s face has gone completely blank. “Gai…” His eyes narrow a fraction. “If you want to talk about what happened, I’m here. So is Tsunade-sama. If you’d rather talk to a man…”

 _Morino Ibiki has some experience with trauma,_ she thinks. _There should be a few more in Anbu…_

But not many, and no one she’d call a specialist. All their experts on torture are experts at dealing the damage, not dealing with it once it’s done. Most villages have this problem. Traumatized shinobi either get better on their own or they simply don’t get better at all.

“Thank you, for your heartfelt concern, Shizune! But I’m fine; all I want to talk about is when I can leave this place and get back to training.” Gai-senpai’s voice is almost light.

Disappointed in herself – why can’t she find the right words to say to him? – Shizune shakes her head, “You’ll have to talk to Tsunade-sama about that.” As soon as the words leave her mouth, she hears the familiar rhythm of her master’s footsteps.

“Do you want me to stay?” she asks even though she knows his answer will be no.

She’s wrong, though. Gai doesn’t say anything. His eyes fixed on the door, his masklike expression has slipped to reveal a hint of unease.


	23. Chapter 23

_Maito Gai_

Gai is on his stomach, thinking about the last thing he said to Shizune before she left the room, when she asked him what he wanted for lunch. She’d tell the people in the kitchen, she said. Miso or chicken soup? Gai said miso although he actually prefers chicken soup. _Why did I pick miso,_ he wonders as Tsunade-sama’s hand brushes the inside of his upper thigh.

The latex gloves she’s wearing have almost the same texture and feel as a condom, Gai can’t help but notice. There is no way to un-notice this fact and it makes him think of the last time he used a condom. The once pleasant memory is sickening now and he can feel himself tensing up.

“It’s okay,” Tsunade-sama says, her hands withdrawing, “do you need a moment?”

Instantly he hates himself for his weakness. His hatred is like bitter, viscous fluid rising in his stomach. He can’t swallow it down, so his reply sounds pathetic and choked up to his own ears.

“No, I’m fine.”

 _This is nothing,_ he wants to add and laugh, but his breath catches when her hands return to settle on his buttocks.

_Mud, dark brown, suffused with the heavy copper smell of blood. He hurts, hurts everywhere, smoke coiling around him, his own sweat vaporized by the heat rolling off his body._

Realizing that his breath is too quick, that his distress is starting to show, Gai presses his lips together and closes his eyes, forcing himself to relax. He knows he has to suppress these memories but they are like an ocean rising up inside of him. An ocean full of dark, horrible things.

Tsunade-sama’s hands pry him open, _gently,_ at the edge of his consciousness he is aware of that gentleness, but at the center of his mind, Gai is overwhelmed by panic.

He tries to clamp down on these feelings, keep them bottled up inside and just endure. Gai counts silently, the same way he counts push-ups and the punches he throws at the battered poles and dummies on the training grounds.

He can feel _those_ hands holding him down, pain skewering him, the weight of another man’s body pushing him deeper into the mud. It’s unbearable. Tears welling up under his eyelids, Gai does everything in his power to keep still and breathe evenly. An eternity seems to pass before Tsunade-sama sighs softly.

“It seems to be healing nicely so far,” she says as she – finally – withdraws.

Gai could have sobbed in relief, but he holds himself in check. It hurts a little when he rolls over, no more than a twinge , and he uses this pain to pull himself back to reality.

“When can I go home, Hokage-sama?” Gai asks. A smile is beyond him; it’s almost too hard to keep his voice steady.

Her eyes bore into him, all-seeing it seems. Her stare makes him feel small and helpless, but he holds her gaze and thinks of his father smiling through everything.

“We’ll see,” she says, her voice already heavy with exhaustion although it’s barely even noon yet. Gai hates to think of her pitying him this much. The snap of the gloves as she briskly pulls them off startles him out of that thought. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” he says.

“That’s wonderful.” Tsunade-sama smiles warmly, her eyes closing as the sunlight washes over her face, giving her hair a beautiful golden shimmer. In its complete insincerity the expression is painfully reminiscent of Kakashi and within a second Tsunade shatters it by opening her eyes, fixing him with her hard glare and setting her jaw. “I’m not an idiot. When I ask you a question, I want an honest answer. How do you really feel? Talk to me.”

How does he feel? Gai doesn’t even want to begin to think about that, but he needs to give her something, he knows that.

“I’m a shinobi,” he says, a picture of the boy who failed the academy exam materializing behind his eyes. He fought so hard—

_I’m Konoha’s Mighty Green Beast. Maito Gai!_

“I was injured.” No pause between those words; _injured,_ no other expression is to be considered. “That’s in the past now. I’ll live.” He talks the way he talks only in battle, stilted, short sentences. Can she sense the shame he feels, he wonders, does she see through him like she would through glass?

“Yes, you will,” she replies and her saying it in that hard, unbending voice is almost enough to make Gai believe it.

* * *

 

It’s still light when Gai wakes up. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, which makes him wonder if Tsunade-sama had something to do with it. He has no idea how much time has passed since she left.

Gai blinks, focusing on the strange wet sound in the room. A slurp.

He turns his head to look where it’s coming from and is greeted by the sight of his rival, Kakashi, sitting in a chair next to his bed, his bare lips attached to the rim of the bowl cupped in his hands. The faint aroma of miso is in the air.

Gai watches the dark fabric covering Kakashi’s neck shift as he swallows, the rolled down mask a finger-thick bulge under his chin. Then, with a satisfied sigh, Kakashi sets the bowl down on Gai’s nightstand.

When Kakashi smiles Gai half expects his teeth to sparkle but they never do. Instead Kakashi’s smile is sly and strangely sweet.

“Yo, Gai,” he says.


	24. Chapter 24

_Maito Gai_

Kakashi is slouching in the visitor chair next to his bed; his pose could best be described as hip and modern. Gai isn’t in the mood to utter such a description, however. He’s still drowsy, his head hurts and he can feel the memories starting to tear at him already.

All he can do is stare at Kakashi. Kakashi with his mask off. He is as handsome as ever, Gai thinks because that’s what he’s been told, anyway. Kakashi looks like nothing can possibly touch him. It’s a look that makes Gai want to avert his eyes. Instead he struggles into a sitting position, a movement which awakens the dull ache in his lower body.

“How’re you feeling?” His tone casual, Kakashi leans forward in his chair. As usual he looks only mildly interested. Except for the mask, he’s in full uniform like always, and Gai thinks he can see the outline of a book stretching the fabric of his vest pocket. That’s it. Everything is just the way it always is.

Except that Gai feels hollow inside, as though a chunk of his self has been carved out of his body, while Kakashi is sitting there, whole and normal and completely unaffected.

There’s a flash of hatred inside him like a quick cut from a razor-sharp blade. Horrified at himself, he pushes it away as quickly as it comes. Kakashi has been through enough in his life to know as much about pain as Gai does. They are equals. They were equals.

He tries to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth but it won’t leave, and Kakashi is looking at him, expecting a reply.

“Splendid!” It comes out too loud and raw like a startled yelp, an unmolded noise more than a word. It makes Gai want to clamp his mouth shut before it can betray him further. That’s something he can’t do; he has to be himself and keep talking. “I can’t wait to get back to training!”

“You look like shit,” Kakashi drawls, as quick with the casual insults as ever. Then he softens slightly, the way he does only when he’s really worried. “What happened?”

If Gai were himself, he knows he would be deeply touched by his rival’s concern. Now though, he only feels numb.

“I had to use the seventh gate for too long. I guess I ran out of chakra.” Gai chuckles sheepishly. Still he is fixed by Kakashi’s searching gaze and the moment drags into unbearable length, making Gai wonder why Kakashi _cares_ all of a sudden.

“Is that so? That’s all it was?”

Why is he so persistent?

…Has… he been told?

The thought freezes in Gai’s brain, a malicious icicle that pierces him and makes everything stop for a second. It’s possible, he realizes now, because they saw him, Asuma, Genma, Ebisu, Shizune, Tsunade, plus who knows how many nurses and medics at this very hospital. Anyone could have spoken to Kakashi, to his students. And if they haven’t yet they still might.

It would destroy him if Kakashi knew. Everything Gai fought to become would be swept away like dust. Kakashi would look at him with pity and thinly-veiled disgust and they wouldn’t be rivals anymore, how could they be?

Gai’s throat constricts around that truth and when he looks up, he sees Kakashi through a distorting lens of unshed tears.

“Gai…? What’s wrong?” Alarmed, Kakashi leans closer. His eye is wide, his lips are slightly open, heavy with words wanting to be spoken, words Gai cannot bear to hear.

He shifts and there is the pain, stabbing him from beneath, an echo of that first pain boring into him on the battlefield, elevating itself above the post-seventh-gate-agony of torn muscles by sheer virtue of being unfathomable. It had been incomprehensible; he hadn’t understood what was happening to him, and then when he did—

“It hurts…” The words slip out of him, past his defenses, like blood from a reopened wound.

This is when Kakashi grabs his hand and Gai is so startled by the suddenness, the force of it, that he actually flinches a little.

 _“Gai,”_ Kakashi says.

* * *

 

_Hatake Kakashi_

“It hurts…” Glassy with pain, Gai’s eyes look through Kakashi, at something only visible to him. Like the metal jaws of a bear trap, the past has snapped shut around him, sinking its teeth into his body and drawing blood. Kakashi knows this feeling all too well, the concussed moment when you realize what you’ve lost.

He acts on instinct, reaching out with a fierce desire, a familiar yet strange impulse.

 _I have to protect him._ That was ages ago, a nauseous certainty of impending loss and the defiant urge to fight. He wouldn’t go through that again, he’d given himself that promise.

And then Rin died.

And then Sensei died.

_“Gai.”_

It’s a blaze inside of him, the touch of Gai’s skin, Gai’s fingers digging into the bed sheets, claw-like in a spasm of pain, and Kakashi’s wrapping around them, holding too tight. A fraction of a second can change everything. That change is like a shift of tectonic plates, something that has been going on forever, the minutest, slightest movement, unnoticed, taking years, but when it’s done—

It’s all different.

Heat flares in Kakashi’s chest, under his ribs, Gai’s warm skin touching the raw meat of his pounding heart.

Kakashi looks up from their interlocked hands and falls into the oily-slick black of Gai’s eyes.


	25. Chapter 25

_Hatake Kakashi_

Ten minutes later Kakashi is sitting in a nice cozy restaurant off Konoha’s main street, halfway between the hospital and his apartment, and contemplates the menu over his cup of tea. The truth is his stomach is twisted all up into knots, his is heart hammering, his head is light with the heat of conflicting emotions.

He wants to go back to the hospital and touch Gai again. He wants to see his eyes, the line of his jaw, the tender gap between his collarbones. He wants to see Gai breathe and laugh and eat and be alive.

Kakashi puts down the menu and stares into his tea instead. The liquid is calm, without depth and mystery.

Still it feels like the soup he drank at the hospital is sloshing around in his stomach. Before he left, rather abruptly, disturbed by his reaction and the atmosphere in the room, he brought Gai a fresh bowl to replace the one he’d stolen. Gai accepted it hesitantly, saying that he’d had a big breakfast and wasn’t really hungry. They were both acting like different people at that point.

Kakashi takes a sip from his tea; it’s so hot it stings his lips. Filtered through his mask, it has lost all its taste except for bitterness.

Something happened, Kakashi thinks, something that has shaken Gai to the core. A bad mission can do that to anyone, but Gai—

Sitting in a safe place, a restaurant in his home village, his back to the wall and facing the entrance, Kakashi hasn’t paid much attention to the trickle of people entering and leaving the restaurant, but there’s a small part of him monitoring the flow of chakra near him. It’s the same for every jōnin, you’re vigilant, always, until you’re dead.

Now, as a man steps through the open door, he perks up, his train of thought interrupted by the familiar chakra signature causing a small ripple at the edge of his consciousness.

Well, the timing couldn’t have been better.

* * *

 

_Sarutobi Asuma_

He’s lost in thought, going over the training session he just finished with his team, and enters the restaurant on autopilot. There’s this table in the back that Kurenai likes. She’s meeting him for lunch, which is something he’s looking forward to, albeit tentatively. Because last time he saw her it felt like the thing he doesn’t want to think about has coagulated between them.

Asuma pushes _that_ thought away as quickly as possible and goes back to the training. Team 10 has been working hard since the chūnin exams, meeting on the training grounds daily when they’re in the village and taking on as many missions as possible. Maybe they’re doing too much, he thinks now, maybe they should take a break.

There’s a twinge of pain in his knee when he sits down and he grimaces at the memory of Chouji slipping and almost falling on top of him. Only a last second, stumbling lunge had saved Asuma from being crushed beneath his student’s giant baika no jutsu body when Chouji lost his balance mid-attack.

_Don’t try to pull your punches, Chouji!_

It was the same every time, Chouji looking at him sheepishly, all apology and doubt.

_I’m sorry, Asuma-sensei, I just wasn’t sure you’d be able to dodge…_

_Chouji, you know I can dodge this; I’m a jōnin, you have to trust my skills a little._

_But…_

Asuma had waited on purpose to see if Chouji would be able to finish his part of the Ino-Shika-Chou formation, and, as always, Chouji faltered in the end because he was worried he could injure his sensei. Every time they spar together, things turn out this way.

_He is too kind,_ Asuma thinks as the waitress takes his order.

This is an old worn worry of his, Chouji’s kindness, his hesitation, that it might kill him. The kind, Asuma has learned, die the most gruesome deaths. So he ignores Shikamaru and Ino’s long suffering sighs and protests that they don’t actually need to learn how to fight their sensei and keeps pushing Chouji.

Maybe, he thinks reluctantly, he’ll ask Gai’s kids to spar with them tomorrow. They spent all morning running around the training grounds, doing push-ups and back flips, shredding the targets and training dummies and perhaps training with them will awaken some kind of ambition in his students—

“Asuma, hey!”

He figures he must have been pretty spaced out to not have noticed the person walking up to his table. Asuma blinks and forces a vague smile although he’s not too happy to see this particular guy. Hatake Kakashi just has a way of showing up whenever you don’t want him to.

“Hey.” He has the bad feeling that he already knows how this conversation is gonna go and he really has to suppress a groan when Kakashi grabs the chair opposite him and takes a seat without waiting for an invitation. “Ah… I’m actually waiting for Kurenai.”

As expected Kakashi simply ignores this.

“What happened to Gai?”

Asuma sighs. “You know this is classified, right?”

“Yeah, Genma told me, but I saw Gai at the hospital today and he’s… well... “

This is news to Asuma who thought Gai wasn’t allowed to have visitors, but then this is Kakashi. Knowing him, he didn’t bother asking if Gai could have visitors, he probably just went regardless.

“You saw him?” The wheels are spinning in Asuma’s head. How much can Kakashi possibly know? His expression, what little is visible of his face, betrays nothing, but his gaze is hard and relentless. There’s no way Gai said anything, even if he is conscious, there’s just no way. As for Genma...

“Yeah.” Kakashi’s gaze flits away for the fraction of a second. His voice is softer than Asuma expected; it sounds pained.

“How is he?”

“How do you think he is?” Lighter, cutting him to the quick, a raised eyebrow and Kakashi looking him in the eye.

The answer slipping from his gut onto his tongue can’t be spoken. Maybe it doesn’t have to be because behind Kakashi he can see Kurenai walking towards the table.

_Broken._


	26. Chapter 26

_Yūhi Kurenai_

She gets a sinking feeling when she enters the restaurant and sees Kakashi there. His hair is obscuring the face of the person sitting at the table with him, but she knows it’s Asuma, just like she knows the quiet intimate lunch she wanted to have with her boyfriend is not going to happen.

A pang of disappointment, yet she keeps walking towards them because she suspects Asuma would feel like she left him hanging if he knew she was here and turned back.

In passing she shoots a smile to the waitress behind the counter, Miki, a chūnin who has gone on missions with Kurenai a couple of times. They’re on the edge of friendship, teetering back and forth, which is what happens when you make jōnin, Kurenai thinks, you want more meaningful relationships but at the same time you’re terrified of them.

And Miki married a civilian, a sweet, boring guy who is there every night in their little house, running their little restaurant, waiting for her to return from missions. Soon, Kurenai suspects, she will stop going altogether; she will have a baby and then get a desk job or retire. Some days Kurenai doesn’t know if she pities Miki or envies her.

 _Definitely envy_ , she thinks when Kakashi turns around in his chair and waves at her. Miki doesn’t have to deal with this.

“Yo, Kurenai.” His greeting is as laconic as ever, his gaze merely flicks over, then, immediately, latches back onto Asuma. She figures Kakashi is displeased to see her, she’s making him rework his strategy.

But he does get up from his chair when she reaches the table and offers it to her. Maybe she has put a premature end to his conversation with Asuma and that’s something she can almost feel sorry for.

Except that as soon as she has sat down, Kakashi casually drags over an empty chair from another table and plunks himself down pretty much between them. Kurenai catches Asuma’s eye and they share the same look: exasperation, silent apology.

“We were talking about Asuma’s last mission,” Kakashi says, pretending not to notice the look.

“I see.” She doesn’t, not really, but the bad feeling intensifies. This has to be about Gai and that’s not something she wants to think about. “I thought it was classified?”

“It is,” Asuma says gravely, only to be interrupted by Miki-chan who’s come over to take their order.

This gives Kurenai a little break, the atmosphere lightens and she breathes in the savory smell of food around them. Clamming up won’t solve this situation, she realizes, the less they tell him, the more Kakashi will pry. He needs the truth. Maybe not the full truth, but at least part of it.

But why does he need it in the first place? What is this to him? Since when does he care so much about Gai? What she remembers are long afternoons at the dango place around the corner, hanging out with Asuma and Gai; Genma, Ebisu, Anko, Hayate, Raidō and Ibiki were sometimes there too, but Kakashi? He always had more important things to do. That changed a little, sure, after he left Anbu – another thing Gai did for him, begging them to go with him to the Third – but it hasn’t been that long and it never seemed to her like Kakashi reciprocated whatever it was Gai felt for him.

They always felt a little sorry for Gai, but then he seemed so oblivious and such a firm believer in this one-sided thing he called a rivalry…

When the waitress is gone, Kurenai lets out a long, pained sigh and says, “It was bad. Asuma told me he wasn’t sure Gai would make it.”

“Kurenai!” Her boyfriend’s eyes are wide with shock and on the surrounding tables people look up from their meals, interrupt their conversations and turn their heads.

Kurenai doesn’t care; she watches Kakashi’s face, registering the narrowing eye and grim set of his jaw.

“I see,” he says, “so it really was that bad, huh?”

She casts a glance at her boyfriend, willing him to understand what she wants him to do.

“Yeah…” Now that the steady murmur of conversation has returned, Asuma speaks in a soft voice tinged with honest regret.

“What happened?”

Kakashi is watching Asuma’s face as intently as Kurenai is; they’re both waiting for his reply and although Kurenai feels she should know what it’s going to be, she becomes less sure with every passing nanosecond.

She’s surprised when he shrugs. “Does it matter? He went ahead and we took too long to catch up. We were too slow and that’s why he got hurt,” Asuma sounds so bitter, so guilty, that Kurenai almost flinches. The thought of her boyfriend blaming himself to this extent is like a rope around her throat, tightening. Before, when he said he should have protected Gai, it sounded like a stock-phrase, just something to fill the silence. Now, however—

“I thought he’d die. On the ship. He was out of it the whole time. Shit. Hayate, my father and now Gai…”

“Gai is going to be okay,” Kurenai says.

“Yeah, of course.” She hopes Kakashi can’t hear the shadow of doubt darkening Asuma’s voice. He’s been quiet, watching them. Now, he straightens in his chair as though he has just woken up.

Kurenai looks at Asuma again. Her boyfriend’s shoulders are slumped, his face is pale, exhaustion seems to have sucked the blood out of his veins. She knows he barely slept and she suspects he really does think of Gai in those terms – that he has mentally added his name to the ever growing list on the memorial, which is just wrong.

“How are you two doing?” Kakashi’s question interrupts her thoughts and the change of topic startles her. She doesn’t like the way his gaze slides back and forth between them; it makes her feel like he’s trying to picture them in bed together.

Kurenai has always found Kakashi a little sleazy. What with his books of porn and casual chauvinism. He probably doesn’t know any better, she used to tell herself. All of them, except for Asuma, spent their whole lives in the village. Someone like Kakashi would have benefitted from being able to step out of his father’s shadow for a while, to go and see the world like Asuma got to do. Asuma, though, was the Third Hokage’s son and Kakashi wasn’t. Like Kurenai, like all their friends, he was trapped in Konoha, where everybody knows his name and all that is attached to it.

Or maybe it was just because too many of her friends had had crushes on him. Even now she was still sometimes roped into conversations about Hatake Kakashi.

_He suffers from big dick syndrome, you know._

_Ugh, what’s that even supposed to mean?_

_Gee, Kurenai-chan, he doesn’t think he has to do any work, of course!_

_Wait, wait, how big are we talking here?_

“We’re fine,” Asuma says as Kurenai struggles to repress stupid memories of her friends’ attempts to explain the size of Kakashi’s penis using vaguely phallic vegetables. “How about you?”

“Same old,” Kakashi says, shrugs and smiles his ever concealed smile.

And that’s it, he apologizes, says goodbye and goes to the counter to change his order to takeout.

Kurenai can’t help feeling relieved when the door falls shut behind him.


	27. Chapter 27

_Hatake Kakashi_

A death scare. That’s pretty textbook, or it would have been if it wasn’t Gai. Almost everyone Kakashi knows has gone through this, a close call on a mission, that moment when you realize it could all be over in less than a second. It’s common, nothing to worry about.

* * *

 

_Shiranui Genma_

Paper pushing is the worst, but he figures he can do this for a couple of days, anything to keep his mind blank. While he’s awake at least. He knows when he gets home and lies down in his bed, all bets are off.

_So don’t go home then,_ he thinks, _easy. Problem solved._

That night, it’s the bar, it’s one drink after another until he can’t see straight anymore, until the lights dim and the people around him fuse into a blur and his head becomes too heavy a weight to carry on his shoulders.

* * *

 

_Ebisu_

He should visit Gai at the hospital, he thinks, it’s the proper thing to do. They were teammates, have known each other for years, et cetera, it’s just good manners.

But then he imagines how that visit would go and cringes. What is one supposed to say? After what happened he knows he can’t look Gai in the eye and Gai probably wouldn’t want to see him, he rationalizes.

_Time and space,_ he tells himself, _that’s what Gai-kun needs._

* * *

 

_Sarutobi Asuma_

“Are you going to go see Gai?” Kurenai asks afterwards when they’re in bed and the lights are off and the world is reduced to a rectangle of grey light behind a pane of glass.

The guilt is welling up before his wispy thoughts solidify into the single word he instantly hates himself for, _No._

So he doesn’t say it. He just shakes his head, dreading the ʻwhyʼ that is sure to follow.

“You should. He’s your friend. If Kakashi can visit him, so can you.” Kurenai sounds so determined as if she’s giving him a pep talk, as if he’s already made several thwarted attempts to go see Gai.

Needless to say, Asuma hasn’t been to the hospital once. He’s thought about it, but only in the disjointed manner he thinks about the possibility of his own death. Every time his thoughts are derailed by something else, something slightly less unpleasant, something like the question whether Gai and he are even really friends. Sure, he likes Gai. Kind of. At least when he’s not too loud and enthusiastic and annoying to stand, which, come to think of it, isn’t all that often.

But he’s known Gai for a long time and Gai was there for him when it counted, which means on missions, in life and death situations, where Asuma knows he can trust Gai, can trust him to do whatever it takes to keep his comrades safe.

Still, if Gai had died, Asuma would have been sad for a bit.

And then he’d have moved on.

It’s a callous thought, and he hates himself for it, but that’s the way it is. You don’t get close to people because it makes you vulnerable.

How often does he think about Hayate? He’s just gone, like so many before him.

How often does he think about his parents, his sister-in-law and his brother?

You can only mourn so many people before your heart is covered in scar tissue, numbed.

No, he won’t visit Gai.

* * *

 

_Maito Gai_

He’s got to get out of this bed. Lying around all day is no good. Every time he closes his eyes the darkness transforms into shadows and the memories resurface like snakes crawling out of the grass. It’s because of this room, the forced inertia. If only he could be outside and train and spar and run.

He really wants to run.

Gai squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath, willing his heart to stop pounding. Its frantic rhythm keeps him awake when he wants to sleep; it paralyzes him when he wants to move. But he will get through this. He will.

By now the pain must be all in his head. He can get up and go to the bathroom by himself if he needs to. Finally, he is spared the indignity of the bedpan, the forced smile of the nurse, his own answering twisted half-grimace.

In the bathroom this morning he saw himself in the mirror; his face was gaunt, lined with stress and worry. He looked like an old man, older than his father, who was dead before he had the time to age.

Gai doesn’t want to think about that.

The first time he got a look at himself and saw the handprint bruises, the fingernail scratches, his black and blue and red groin, Gai had to swallow the bile rising in his throat. His knees had buckled and he’d had to hold on to the sink to keep himself from collapsing. He forced himself to look at it. It was his fault after all, he’d let this happen to his body.

He needs to get out of bed. He needs to train. It was weakness that got him here and he won’t allow anything like this to happen to him again.

* * *

 

_Hatake Kakashi_

He’s at home, on his couch, eating his fried noodles and trying to decide what to do next. Maybe the answer is nothing, maybe all he has to do is let Gai work through this alone.

With a sigh, he lets himself sink deeper into the cushions. Relief settles like a warm blanket around him. Things are going to be okay.


	28. Chapter 28

_Yasutani Sū_

The bar is the worst place to be a medical ninja, hands down. Everyone just comes up to you and is like, ʻhey, I noticed this weird spot on my butt; do you think I should go to the hospital with this?—Wait, I’ll show you!ʼ

And for the last thirty minutes he’s been eyeing that guy in the bandana who’s doubled over, face down on a table a couple of meters away, Sū’s just waiting for him to choke on his own vomit and stop breathing or something and then who’ll have to do puke-y mouth to mouth? Sū’s mood is in the toilet, the way it always is when he’s worked a double shift at the hospital instead of getting assigned a mission.

But this is what happens to thirty-four-year-olds who haven’t made jōnin yet and now probably never will. “At least tokubetsu,” he mumbles to himself – he is pretty drunk, even he knows that by now, so he’s not surprised when the bartender shoots him a look of pity that seems to say _, no, sorry, pal, I’ve seen a lot of drunk tokubetsu jōnin in my time and you’re just not cut from that kind of cloth, you’ll always be just another wasted chūnin._

 _Fuck this,_ he thinks bitterly and takes a big sip of sake. Of course, of _fucking_ course, that’s the moment he happens to glance at the entrance of the bar and who chooses to walk in that very second?

Hyūga Tokeru. Of course.

The last person he ever wants to see.

Hyūga Tokeru, twenty-nine, jōnin, for ten years now actually, and Sū will never forget the moment the then nineteen year old Hyūga brat came to the hospital to tell him, all fake modesty and shit. That’s what gets him, the politeness and the calmness and argh.

Naturally, Tokeru sees him immediately and – as he always does – decides to come over. To gloat about a recent accomplishment, no doubt. Sū doesn’t get it. Why doesn’t Tokeru just leave him alone? It’s not like they’re friends, sure, they’ve known each other for years, but that was mostly because Sū’s family lived next to the Hyūga compound. His civilian parents ran a shop for herbs, tea and salves, so Tokeru and a bunch of the other pretty much identical looking brats showed up whenever they had a scraped knee.

People _look_ at Tokeru when he enters a room and they don’t just glance up briefly only to avert their eyes in disinterest after less than a second either. Nope, what they do is, they stare, some even blush. Because Hyūga Tokeru is beautiful, tall and broad-shouldered for a Hyūga but with the same long glossy dark brown hair, flawless pale skin, big eyes and their eerie almost colorless irises all his relatives seem to share. In Tokeru’s case, though, those irises have the faintest tint of azure like an icy winter sky. Sū is sure Tokeru’s looks are nothing but the result of centuries of inbreeding and as comforting as that thought may be, he can’t help feeling betrayed by the fickleness of genes.

 _If there was any justice in this world, you would have come out cross-eyed and with only one testicle,_ Sū thinks. What he says, however, is “Tokeru-kun.” While feeling tiny and diminished by the tall, attractive man standing next to his short, badly-shaven, vaguely sweaty and definitely very drunk self.

“Sū-senpai,” says Tokeru like he always does despite outranking Sū. It is, Sū is sure, meant as a subtle jab regarding his advanced age.

After an awkward second which Sū spends pointedly not offering Tokeru a seat, Tokeru sits down on the empty barstool next to him. Sū hates the graceful way the Hyūga moves, subtly, like a cherry blossom tree being gently stirred by the breeze.

“Are you here by yourself, senpai?” asks Tokeru, his tone seemingly devoid of any kind of teasing inflection, but then he tends to speak in this very calm and soft manner that makes it hard to discern his mood. Sū knows that Tokeru’s hobbies include such things as meditating and folding ridiculously complex origami figures – which Tokeru occasionally likes to give to Sū to demonstrate his superiority. Anyway, the question is definitely supposed to subtly point out Sū’s lack of friends.

“Yeah,” he says, “and you? Where’d you leave your fan club?” He makes a show of craning his neck to look for the cluster of teammates, admirers and creepily similar looking cousins that usually follows Tokeru around.

“I’m meeting a couple of friends here later. I’m a little early, I think. It’s nice to see you.”

That last one must be meant as an insult in some way, but Tokeru is looking at him straight-faced and disgustingly sincere. _He must love this,_ Sū thinks, _seeing just how pathetic I am._

“How are you?” Tokeru asks, all fake friendly.

Unable to bear it any longer, Sū grabs his little bottle of sake and, without bothering with the cup, puts it to his lips and drains it in a few thirsty gulps.

“You want to know how I am?” he asks, voice high and weirdly shaky, making a couple of people look up from their tables. “I’ll tell you how I am!”

* * *

 

When he comes to, his head is pounding, everything is too bright and sharp and the slimmest shaft of light is a razorblade slicing at his eyeballs. He blinks, unable to recognize his surroundings. What is this bland fucking wallpaper? This definitely isn’t his bedroom.

The first thing that really comes into focus is a simple paper crane sitting on the elegant night table he’s never ever seen before. He blinks again and groans when memories from the previous night start to surface.

He was ranting. At the bar. Sū’s not sure if Tokeru’s stupid cousins showed up or if he was just seeing double at that point, but he remembers people surrounding him and he remembers saying stuff he should never ever have said. Vile stuff.

_Who would have thought_

_Guess our jōnin aren’t all they’re cracked up to be_

_Letting the enemy fuck them up the ass_

_I can’t believe they made us clean up after that kind of thing_

_I was like I’m gonna puke_

_Disgusting_

_What a piece of shit_

_That ugly ass nutso jōnin_

_Maito Gai_

He said his name. Several times. His stomach convulses as Sū rolls out of bed. He needs a bathroom, a sink, a trash can, something, but he doesn’t make it. He’s sick on the hardwood floor, kneeling over the spreading puddle of vomit. Sū whimpers, tears welling up in his eyes.

“Hey,” comes a voice from the door and he doesn’t recognize it because he’s never heard it in this particular tone before, “senpai, you really messed up last night.” There’s no gloating, no subtle mocking. All he can hear is honest concern.


	29. Chapter 29

_Maito Gai_

Early morning used to be his favorite time of day. He’d get out of bed, do his first pushups and watch the sun rise through his window. A new morning, a fresh start. The night had swallowed all griefs of the previous day, made them fade against the red sky like the distant stars. Those moments used to belong to him.

Now it feels like nothing belongs to him anymore. He wakes crusty-eyed, bone tired from a night filled with disturbing dreams. His body doesn’t hurt the way it did the first couple of days, but it feels heavy and sluggish and wrong. Before – and there is a _before_ and an _after_ now, as if his life has been sliced neatly in two and the only time he has ever felt like this was when his father died –

 _Before_ , he was at home in his body. Now his home has transformed into a prison.

He’s going to push through this. He has to. There is no other way.

The first thing he needs to do is get out of the hospital.

Gai lies still and takes a deep, deliberate breath. The air smells like disinfectant and abject misery, stale and dust-laden.

The second thing he needs to do is go on missions. As many as he can. He’ll work harder than he ever has before; he won’t stop, he won’t rest and if he never closes his eyes, maybe he won’t have to dream.

* * *

 

_Tsunade_

When she wakes up she feels ancient, empty like an arid, wind-swept desert. The night behind her was long, almost never-ending and by the time she crawled into bed there was a sliver of morning light on the horizon, more threat than promise.

They brought in a boy last night, a genin who stumbled on an old forgotten exploding tag in the Forest of Wind. She could tell at first glance that there was really nothing she could do for the kid, he was burned all over, smoke rising off him with the nauseating smell of cooked flesh, but someone had alerted his mother and she was there in the foyer weeping and begging, so Tsunade had the boy wheeled into the OR, and prayed for the miracles she no longer believed in.

It was no use.

She gets up, puts on her clothes, brushes her teeth without glancing at the mirror. Shizune appears at her elbow as soon as she leaves her room. On mornings like this, her assistant’s quiet presence is the only thing Tsunade can feel grateful for.

They walk to the hospital in silence, both of them, Tsunade thinks, trying to draw strength from the bustling village life around them. People smile and wave or nod and bow, some call her by her name, some by her title. _Tsunade-sama! Hokage-sama! Good Morning!_

A gaggle of academy children run past, laughing and shoving each other, Tsunade watches them and her heart aches with memories of Nawaki. She sees him sometimes in the silhouette of another boy, or if she catches a glimpse of wheat colored hair. Shaking her head to clear it, she walks on.

* * *

 

At the hospital there is Gai sitting up in bed, waiting for them. The first thing out of his mouth: _Can I be released today, Hokage-sama?_

Tsunade thinks about it for a couple of seconds. Gai looks like crap, the blackness of his irises darker than usual, dull and bottomless, circles under his eyes and a hollowness to his cheeks carved by deep shock. But there’s not much to do with him here. Physically, he’s almost healed completely and if he had any other type of injury she would have sent him home at least a day ago, if not sooner.

She feels Shizune stiffen next to her when she says, “Fine.”, Shizune’s disapproval like a pin prick. Does it matter? If Tsunade is honest with herself she has to admit that there are days when she isn’t sure. Fact is, she couldn’t protect them, she can’t protect Gai.

* * *

 

_Hyūga Neji_

Unlike Tenten, Neji rarely complains about his team’s training schedule, still the last few days have been an even greater challenge than usual. In his desire to please Gai-sensei Lee has been chasing them around the training grounds as though possessed. And Gai-sensei, whenever they visited him at the hospital only made it worse by sending them right back to training. If he hadn’t known better, Neji would have thought their teacher wanted to get rid of them.

He sighs and stretches, then winces when a twinge of pain erupts between his shoulder blades. No kata this morning, he decides, and no shower. He’ll go to the onsen before training; a hot bath might be the only way to relax a little before another gruesome training session.

Voices drift across the compound as Neji walks a little stiffly towards the gate that separates the Hyūga from the rest of the village. Not many of his clansmen and -women are around at this hour, but a few of them are always milling about, coming from and going to missions, heading to the training grounds, the hospital or the baths. They’re friendly to him, but Neji generally keeps his distance. All conversations eventually drift towards his father or his uncle, his heritage, clan politics, topics he’d rather avoid.

He walks past a man and woman standing just outside the gate and their conversation stops abruptly enough for him to take notice. Neji blinks and keeps going, wondering if he’s imagining things, but no, he can feel their eyes on him, and after a couple of steps when they deem the distance great enough, they start talking again, their voices lowered.

Instinctively, he starts walking faster, irritation simmering in his stomach. It used to be like this after his father’s death, people whispering behind his back, but that was years ago. What could they possibly be gossiping about now? Neji stops, willing his pounding heart to slow, he takes a deep breath of the fresh morning air. He isn’t a little boy anymore, he reminds himself, soon he’ll be a chūnin. He won’t run.

The only thing to do is turn around and confront them.


	30. Chapter 30

_Shiranui Genma_

A repetitive scraping noise saws into his sleep, _swash swash_ _swash._ Genma groans, catches a whiff of his own breath and starts awake in one painful lurch that has him sit up, his cheek coming unstuck from his table with the disturbing sound of duct tape being ripped off human skin, only to instantly collapse under the weight of his own head. His forehead strikes wood with a muffled _plonk_ and like a giant gong his skull rings with an enormous ache.

“Ugh…”

“You finally awake?” The voice is sandpaper on his eardrums. Helplessly, Genma tries to cover his head with his arms, maybe the press of his hands can keep his head from splitting, but he doesn’t have much hope. It sure feels like it has already cracked. He hates being hung-over almost more than he hated being sober before coming to the bar the previous night. Almost.

_Swash swash._

Genma cracks one eye open experimentally. Although it feels like it should, it doesn’t kill him, which is something he can’t be thankful for. He would appreciate a quick death right now. The headache is thunderous. Through its haze he can just make out his immediate surroundings, the empty bar and its owner, a middle aged man with a scruffy beard and an equally scruffy broom, the source of the hellish noise.

“Quite the show you missed last night,” the old guy says cryptically.

“Oh yeah?” Genma doesn’t care, all that matters to him right now is holding down the contents of his stomach. A noxious burp forces its way out of his mouth.

“Quite the show…”

* * *

 

_Hyūga Neji_

“Neji-kun!” The cheerful greeting comes as a surprise to Neji who walked up to the chatting couple expecting to shame them into silence with his presence. Instead the man – Neji doesn’t even know his name although he regularly sees him around the compound and the village – looks downright pleased by his approach. The woman, however, lowers her eyes and hisses _“Yobun”_ under her breath.

Yobun ignores her. He smiles the kind of toothy smile the clan elders disapprove of and reaches for Neji’s shoulder to give it a friendly pat. Neji takes a step back, out of reach.

“You have good timing. We were just talking about you, weren’t we, Ukina?”

“Not really,” the woman – Ukina – says flatly, “and we should be on our way.” She touches the man’s sleeve, as if to pull him away.

“Look,” Yobun continues addressing Neji while ignoring her, “there’s a nasty rumor going around about your teacher and I thought we should warn you.”

Neji frowns, his brain shifting gears. _Gai-sensei?_ He asks the question aloud, too flabbergasted to even wonder where this might be going.

“Yobun, he’s a kid, you can’t tell him—“

“You’re not a kid, are you, Neji-kun?” Yobun interrupts her in a way that makes Neji feel like he’s some kind of pawn in whatever game those two are playing. He contemplates walking away but his curiosity is piqued now and keeps him rooted to the spot.

“Maito Gai is a fag and he’ll spread his legs for anyone. That’s what people say.”

The crassness of the statement, the cold tone, Neji will remember for a long time to come. He’s frozen in place, shock slowly thawing into hot anger.

“Don’t listen to this idiot,” the woman says. Neji barely hears her over the roar in his ears.

“If you ever,” Neji growls, his voice strange even to himself, “say my teacher’s name again, I’ll kill you.” Then, without another word, he turns and walks back to his room.


	31. Chapter 31

_Tenten_

In the morning Tenten likes to curl up in bed with a hot cup of coffee. This is something her team doesn’t know, and not just because Lee and Gai-sensei would scold her for choosing such an adult drink when she is “but a tender flower bud not even in the full bloom of the springtime of her youth yet”. It’s just that this isn’t something she can do on missions, even on the rare occasions they do get to sleep at an inn instead of a tent or – most often – under the stars. This is something she only ever does at home, in her room in the tiny apartment above her aunt’s weapon shop.

She curls up on her side, draws the covers up to her shoulders and carefully unrolls the scroll. No matter what anyone might think, Tenten is not slacking off. She simply prefers doing this kind of training to the endless laps Lee runs and the millions of kata Neji practices. Studying is her thing.

As the aroma of coffee wafts over from the cup placed on her nightstand, Tenten traces the characters on the fragile paper with the tip of her index finger. She loves this particular combination of sensations, the smooth feeling of the scroll in her hands, the warm weight of her blankets covering her body, the softness of her pillow against her cheek, the smell of coffee. This is bliss. And she’ll have about an hour of this until Lee comes knocking on her window to rouse her for this day’s gruesome training session.

Or so she thought at least because the knock comes early this morning, way too early, and she’s definitely going to give Lee an earful for that.

“Lee!” Tenten leaps out of her bed, runs the short distance to her window and rips it open hard enough to force a startled whine from the old hinges. “It’s ten past seven! What the hell—“

“Neji?”

Wordlessly, he climbs into her room. All of a sudden, Tenten is painfully aware of her cute pink polka dotted pajamas and the tangled brown locks of hair that fall freely past her shoulders.

“Tenten, I have to talk to you.” As usual Neji folds his arms across his chest and looks serious, the only thing that’s completely unusual is that he is standing in her bedroom. Trying not to act too weirdly Tenten scans her room for any underwear that might be lying around in plain sight. When she doesn’t find any, she breathes the softest sigh of relief.

“Okay?” Her voice is a little on the squeaky side which makes Tenten want to kick herself. She clears her throat, says, “Right” and manages to sound like a middle aged man with a long smoking habit.

“Actually, I have to warn you—I mean—“ Neji shakes his head. “That’s not right—“ He looks different than normal, Tenten notices, his hair is damp and slightly disheveled as though he rushed over without brushing it properly. This isn’t like him and it unsettles her.

“What’s going on? Neji?”

“I shouldn’t have come here. It was just—“ He turns towards the window and she is startled by the realization that he is upset.

“What happened?”

“…Someone said something to me,” Neji says after a few seconds of staring at the window. “About a rumor concerning Gai-sensei. They said they had to warn me.” He sighs and when he turns back to her, his face is hard with determination. “But they were idiots; they probably just wanted to mess with me.”

She feels like he has just tossed a handful of puzzle pieces in her lap, no explanation, nothing, so all she can do is pick at what little she has been given. _A rumor about Gai-sensei?_

“…What’s the rumor?”

His pale eyes are fixed on her, searching her face. “You can’t tell Lee,” he says after another moment.

“I won’t.”

An angry exhalation. “They said… They said Gai-sensei… was… gay… and promiscuous.”

“What?!” To her utter horror, Tenten has to suppress a startled laugh. This is the most absurd thing she has ever heard and coming from someone who has to listen to Gai-sensei’s rants about youth all day that means something. “You can’t be serious!”

The grim expression on his face tells her that he is more than serious and she instinctively takes a step back and heavily sits down on her bed.

“They used different words,” Neji says, “but that’s the gist of it.”

“Why would they… why would _anyone_ say that?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s a rumor? You mean people talk about it?”

“That’s what they told me.”

“Okay.” Tenten takes a deep breath. Maybe she has slipped into some kind of weird parallel dimension where suddenly people are interested in Gai-sensei’s sex life, but that doesn’t really matter now. If this is something she has to deal with, then she just has to deal with it the right way. Step by step.

“Who exactly told you that?” she asks. It’s true that her very first instinct was to say “Ew!” and “Geez, I don’t want to hear that!”, but there is something about this, about the pallor of Neji’s face and his not entirely blank expression and the queasy feeling inside her stomach, that sense that something is off.

There’s no way around it.

They have to get to the bottom of this.

And they definitely can't tell Lee.


	32. Chapter 32

_Rock Lee_

_Every new morning is a glorious gift and it is up to you to make the most of it!_ This is the first thought on Lee’s mind when he opens his eyes. There is a stack of notebooks in the topmost drawer of his nightstand. All their pages are filled with Gai-sensei’s wisdom and this line is one of Lee’s most favorites – although, naturally, a lot of the things his sensei has said and Lee has written down are his favorites, actually everything Gai-sensei says is an instant favorite!

Lee rolls out of bed and immediately drops to the floor for his first pushups of the day, a small set of a hundred, then a quick shower before his morning run. His routine is so ingrained in his muscle memory, he doesn’t even have to be fully awake for it. Which doesn’t mean that he does it half-heartedly or sleepwalks through the motions or anything unyouthful as that!

Even if he is a little tired…

Lee shakes himself out of that line of thinking before it has time to take over. He is not going to dwell on the fatigue that clouds his perception like a veil or the soreness of his muscles. It’s only natural to feel the effect of intense training once in a while. For the last couple of days Lee has been the driving force keeping Team Gai on their strict training schedule while Gai-sensei recovers at the hospital. It’s a responsibility he is proud to carry.

Gai-sensei…

Warmth fills Lee’s heart whenever he thinks about his teacher. Gai-sensei opened the world for him. Before meeting Gai-sensei Lee had felt like he was stuck at the bottom of a deep dry well. The walls around him too slippery to climb, all he could do was stare up at the people above him while they mocked and laughed. He’d felt helpless and alone. But then Gai-sensei came and showed him that things weren’t black and white, that there were a million shades of color between categories like genius and dropout and that he could be so much more than just one or the other.

He could be himself; he could give his all and that was good enough. More than good enough.

Lee burst out of his apartment, his body a vessel nearly unable to contain all the energy stored inside it. The thought of Gai-sensei has dispersed all tiredness, leaving nothing but determination. A blazing plan forming in his mind, fresh and bright. He’ll stop by the hospital on his run! Just a few moments to see Gai-sensei, to talk to him and then he’ll be able to really start the day with full power!

* * *

 

_Maito Gai_

Eight o’clock and Gai is out on the street, smelling not the stale hospital air but Konoha’s fresh breeze, leaves and grass and the faintest aroma of tea. His feet carry him down the street, the ground solid beneath him as if it could never betray him. Maito Gai is not the trembling kind even if the village feels colder than usual, as if winter has come over night.

Just his imagination, transforming the familiar, casting shadows where the sun should still reach.

Gai can shrug certain things off. The war has taught him to look and not see what doesn’t need to be seen, to not feel what doesn’t need to be felt. At the academy they taught him that he was a tool like a kunai or katana, that he would strike and cut and kill until he broke and would be cast aside. Those lessons never really meshed with what his father told him, with Gai’s own worldview, but they come in handy during battle.

When he thinks about steel, he thinks about Kakashi, he thinks about the white mask Kakashi used to wear and how blood slipped off the red marks without leaving any trace.

Gai used to hate that mask. Now he finds himself wishing he had one to hide his face.

* * *

 

_Hatake Kakashi_

The first rays of sunlight find him at the memorial.

This is the place he always returns to.


	33. Chapter 33

_Hatake Kakashi_

 

He slept badly last night, caught between dreams of dread and a state of semi awakeness that was neither here nor there. In the morning going to the memorial was the obvious thing to do, a part of his routine, as self-evident as brushing his teeth.

But his mind couldn’t rest, not even there, in front of the stone.

Kakashi has stared at it for a couple of hours at this point, his eye tracing the names of his important people over and over. Uchiha Obito, Nohara Rin, Namikaze Minato.

Today, however, his gaze won’t follow the familiar pattern, he finds it drifting sideways and up, slipping past a blur of names and landing on one he hasn’t really paid attention to in years.

Maito Dai.

A flash of horror at the similarity, the all too easily misread kana. For just a second he sees a ga instead of da. They don't even look alike, those characters, not even a little, it’s his mind playing tricks on him, the nightmare resurfacing.

Kakashi takes a deep breath, tremorous air filling his lungs. Two hours on the training grounds, he thinks, maybe a short run through the forest to cool down after. Not the best kind of training, not what Gai would recommend - and why is he thinking that?-, anyway, it'll do.

* * *

  _Maito Gai_

 

Certain patterns are hard to break, even for someone who dislikes stale routine as much as he does. Gai walks up Tea Road, past shops and stands, north towards the Hokage Residence, takes a right at the junction, up the dirt path to the training grounds. He’s not thinking, not really. His body feels numb, the inside of his head is filled with a low buzzing sound like bees. The only thing he knows is that he has to train; he has to get stronger. He can’t stay the way he is now.

* * *

  _Hatake Kakashi_

 

He doesn’t know anyone who is as single-minded when it comes to training as Maito Gai, so technically Kakashi shouldn’t be surprised to see him on training field nine, doing what looks like his first warm-up stretches, but then the last time he saw Gai was at the hospital, that weird day, and for all Kakashi knows that’s where his friend is supposed to be.

Still, there’s a moment of something he feels when he makes out the familiar figure and all the details, colour, shape, movement add up to trigger the instant of recognition. His heart rate picks up, blood pumping a little bit faster, making him feel warm inside.

“Yo, Gai!” He lets the greeting roll off his tongue without effort or enthusiasm and his pace is slow and deliberate. It’s not like he’s in a particular hurry.

Gai’s head snaps up, the whites of his eyes flashing more than surprise, shock that takes Kakashi aback for the split second it lasts and then the grin is in place and Gai stands up straight.

“Rival!” he says, his voice loud enough to carry all the way to the end of the field although Kakashi isn’t that far away anymore, is already no more than a couple of steps from Gai in fact. “What are you doing here?”

“Isn’t that my line?” Kakashi makes a point of looking Gai over, bowlcut to toes. He’s pale still but not bruised, the circles under his eyes visible but somewhat faded. “Shouldn’t you be at the hospital?” he asks.

“Hah! I was released this morning!” Gai’s grin is bright, catching the shy rays of morning sun peeking through the leaves of the trees surrounding the field. Kakashi glances down at his friend’s folded arms, the green spandex clinging to his muscular chest. The smooth fabric seems to invite touch.

“This morning would be what? Five minutes ago?”

“Fifteen,” Gai says without inflection; Kakashi’s playfully teasing tone seems to have escaped him. His gaze slides past Kakashi to lose itself in the darkness between the trees. The sudden change is unsettling.

“I guess it’s too early for a friendly spar then?” Kakashi says because it’s the only thing he can think of, something to bring Gai back from wherever he just went.

It’s a bad idea to spar with someone so freshly released from hospital, even worse if you don’t know the exact nature of his injuries, Kakashi chastises himself.

But the casual challenge reanimates Gai, makes him look at Kakashi again and that, Kakashi finds, is worth a lot.


	34. Chapter 34

_Maito Gai_

When he sees Kakashi, there’s a part of Gai that wants to run. He clamps down hard on that part as he forces himself to stand up straight and face his rival. He’s not going to back down from anything or anyone, that’s one thing he promised himself a long time ago.

Kakashi walks with his hands in his pockets like a man out on a stroll on his day off. Gai would say that his rival looks pleased,with himself maybe, or maybe just the world in general. This calm expression is one Gai doesn’t really want to look at. It makes his stomach churn.

He goes through the motions, the greeting and the posturing, hoping Kakashi will do what he usually does and walk away. But that’s not what happens.

“I guess it’s too early for a friendly spar then?” Kakashi asks and Gai snaps out of the cotton wool daze he’s been in since he left the hospital.

“Never,” Gai says gravely, the words pushing past his lips effortlessly without him having to think about it. This is natural, his instincts kicking in.

A minute movement under the mask and Gai knows Kakashi is smiling, though he doesn’t know how he feels about that.

“Taijutsu?”

Gai nods.

“Ready?”

He nods again, taking his battle stance. Technically, they’re standing too close to each other, but if Kakashi doesn’t mind then neither does he.

The world narrows to Kakashi who is still smiling, Gai thinks, his single eye narrowed, hair stirring in the breeze. Gai feels the sudden desperate need to hold this image of Kakashi, to preserve it somehow, so it won’t slip away too.

The thought is still going through his head when Kakashi’s fist connects with his left cheekbone and lucidity evaporates in the explosion of pain.

“Tsk.” Leaping backwards, Kakashi clicks his tongue in disapproval. “You were supposed to dodge that one. You sure you’re up for this?”

Gai raises his hand to wipe at the cut on his cheek. The metal plate on Kakashi’s glove has torn open the skin, blood oozing from the shallow wound. His fingertips come away stained red. He looks at them in something like wonder as they blur and flicker and fade from his vision.

They come from left and right and he tears through them like they’re wet paper. Slippery red blood and guts everywhere, but Gai soars above them. The touch of his skin makes them scream, smoke rising off their bodies as they crumble. He is not a part of their world anymore, he is something else entirely.

Not human.

He drinks in the pain and--

“Gai!” The choked voice brings him to his senses. It is right next to his ear, breath warming his skin. It is here, he is here.

Gai blinks.

“I... give... up.”

He has Kakashi pinned on the grass, his elbow pressing down on Kakashi’s throat. How did they get here?

Does it matter? Kakashi’s eye is bulging a little, his body is warm beneath Gai, he has his hands over his head, palms facing up, a gesture of surrender.

Gai’s hammering heart drowns out his own thoughts. He eases up, though, instantly, and rolls off Kakashi into the cool grass.

“I underestimated you a little,” Kakashi says somewhat breathlessly, “if I’d known you’d be this serious, I’d have fought harder.”

He doesn’t have a reply. All he can do is try to reign in his heavy breathing. His chest feels tight, the sky too close.

“Gai?” Kakashi asks next to him. Gai can hear the rustle of grass as Kakashi rolls over to face him. All he can do is stare up at those clouds, his mouth dry like the desert.

It seems like he has forgotten something crucial. He has forgotten how not to be afraid.


	35. Chapter 35

_Hatake Kakashi_

By now Kakashi has fought Maito Gai more often than he has fought anyone else. This is routine, this is what they do. Gai poses and makes silly speeches and Kakashi rolls his eye a little and shrugs and then they trade blows. That’s usually when the fun starts.

It’s not fun today.

Kakashi realizes that after the first punch he throws. When Gai doesn’t dodge with lightning speed and grin and chuckle and boast about Kakashi’s old man-slowness but instead just stands there, taking the hit.

Kakashi’s stomach clenches, guilt and worry like a rotten meal in his belly. Instinctively, he puts some distance between himself and Gai, who wipes at the cut on his cheek and brings his fingers up to his eyes to stare at them blankly.

What are you doing? Kakashi wants to ask, but doesn’t. Instead he clicks his tongue, his worry transforming into unease, into an annoyance born from helplessness.

“You were supposed to dodge that one. You sure you’re up for this?”

_You’re clearly not up for this!_ The alarm bells are going off in his head, but it’s too late because Gai has stopped staring at his bloody fingertips. He raises his eyes to meet Kakashi’s gaze.

They’re black, fathomless, and they make a strange shiver run down Kakashi’s spine. He has looked into these eyes more often than he can count, but they’ve never looked right through him like they’re doing now. Gai doesn’t see him.

Kakashi has time to think _uh_ and that’s it. The _oh_ shatters beneath Gai’s foot hitting his stomach, pushing the air from his lungs and sending him flying like a ragdoll. He crashes into the trunk of a tree. The wood splinters and with it his vision.

The next few minutes of Kakashi’s life are frantic. Sparring with Gai usually is something like a dance, a complex succession of movements that from the outside might look almost choreographed.

Today it’s a chase. Kakashi feels like he has been locked into a cage with a wild beast. Hesitating for a second would be deadly. All he can do is dodge, dodge, dodge, the scenery flying past in a blur, Gai’s fists and feet missing him by millimeters.

Kakashi’s fingers itch to form seals, but the vacant look in Gai’s eyes gives him pause, the last thing he wants to do is hurt Gai who looks so out of it Kakashi wonders if he even realizes what he’s doing.

“Oi!” he yells as he ducks under a particularly vicious roundhouse kick that slices through the air with a loud whoosh. “Gai, slow down!”

No reaction, but there's no killing intent. There’s nothing, in fact. Gai’s chakra is a cool blue flame, unaffected, distant.

Kakashi keeps moving, dipping into the forest to use the trees as cover whenever Gai gets too close.

It’s no use; Gai catches him with a whirlwind kick combo, finishing with a scythe kick that whips the feet out from under him. As Kakashi hits the grass, he allows his body to go limp. He’s done with this fight, better to surrender than to keep going and get one of them seriously injured.

“You got--” Me, he wants to say, but Gai slams down onto him, his weight coming down like boulder onto Kakashi’s ribs, his forearm digging into Kakashi’s throat.

“Gai!” The word is squeezed from him like the last droplets of juice from a lemon, with it goes what little air is left in his lungs.

When Gai blinks, Kakashi dares to draw a desperate breath that wheezes past Gai’s elbow.

“I...give...up.”

As if those were the magic words to break the spell, Gai blinks again, his face going oddly stiff. He doesn’t make a sound, just rolls off of Kakashi.

“I underestimated you a little, if I’d known you’d be this serious, I’d have fought harder.” Kakashi can’t quite keep the sarcasm out of his voice. The anger is back, the urge to yell, _what the hell is wrong with you?!_ rising.

But then Kakashi takes a deep breath and looks up at the sky above, the fat white clouds above like something out of a picture book. And he hears the ragged breathing next to him and thinks of the hospital, the pallor of Gai’s skin, the bloody fingertips.

“Gai?” he asks.

There’s no reply so Kakashi rolls over onto his side.

Gai’s eyes are wide open, sweat beading on his forehead, he is staring up, up and up, there is no end to his empty-eyed stare. It’s shocking to see him like this, this shattered look on his face that reminds Kakashi of the day of Maito Dai’s funeral.

Stricken, Kakashi lets himself fall onto his back again. He can’t bear to keep looking; it’s just wrong to see Gai like this. He squeezes his eye shut. He knows he’s supposed to say something, to ask, to offer comfort, but he also knows himself. Hatake Kakashi is not a warm person, he doesn’t listen. He’s more damaged than any of them.

Kakashi opens his eye. The sky is still there, so are the clouds, the trees, the earth beneath him.

So is Gai’s hand, which he finds without looking, his own hand moving of its own accord to cover it, his fingers slipping between Gai’s.

Kakashi squeezes gently.

And, after a beat, Gai’s trembling fingers tighten around his as though Kakashi’s hand is the only thing holding Gai above the abyss.


	36. Chapter 36

_Rock Lee_

At the hospital Lee gets the best news he could have hoped for: Gai-sensei has been released! It’s a statement that deserves several exclamation marks and possibly a shower of confetti, maybe small fireworks, and yet the nurse delivers it in an absent-minded aside to him as she hurries past, a stack of fresh bedsheets in her arms.”Oh, I think the patient in this room was released just a couple of minutes ago.” And she’s gone, leaving Lee in Gai-sensei’s empty room.

Lee’s face lights up instantly, he can feel it, his eyes widening, the corners of his mouth lifting. His hands ball into fists and he punches the air in victory. “Yes, Gai-sensei!!”

Of course he isn't that surprised. When it comes to Gai-sensei, a quick recovery is only to be expected! No one is stronger and more resilient than his beloved teacher!

Knowing Gai-sensei, he's already back on the training grounds, waiting for his team to catch up to him. Lee has to go tell Neji and Tenten. They’ll be overjoyed!

He runs out of the hospital into the village, his body light with excitement. The rooftops fly past, solid under his feet, but gone in split seconds. Should he go to Neji or Tenten first? Whose house is closer? Or maybe he should go see Gai-sensei before he calls the rest of his team because what if Gai-sensei isn't even ready to train with them yet? The last thing Lee wants is to make the wrong assumption and pressure Gai-sensei into something he's not ready for. He did look very tired at the hospital the last couple of days...

So, to the training grounds!

Changing his course, Lee hops to the next roof, his eyes fixing on the treeline, the forest, Konoha’s natural border. Thinking about Gai-sensei in the hospital has dampened his spirit somewhat because the sight of his teacher in that bed… to be honest, it was shocking. It’s something Lee would rather forget. But then he remembers Gai-sensei’s words to him, _it doesn't matter how often or how hard you fall as long as you get up again._

 _This is what Gai-sensei is doing now,_ Lee tells himself, _he is getting up._

Below, kids are chasing each other through an alley, their laughter bouncing up to Lee, who runs a little faster, smiling to himself. No matter what happens, the sun always rises in the morning, Gai-sensei said that too.

The training grounds are located at the very edge of the village, away from the houses and busy streets. During his days at the academy Lee and his classmates were brought there almost every day by one of their chuunin teachers. Since his graduation, Lee has been coming every single day that he isn't away on missions. Team Gai usually trains on field nine, which is the farthest from the village, almost inside the forest. It's a quiet place, the grass thin from all their training but still a healthy vibrant green. To Lee training field nine is one of the most beautiful places in the world. He has made some of his most precious memories here.

Lee always approaches the field with joyful determination. Here he will better himself and he won't leave until he has gotten stronger! It's very quiet today, which is strange. If Gai-sensei really was here, there would be the sound of fists striking training poles, of kunai hitting the targets, or at least the sound of Gai-sensei’s breath, heavy with exertion.

Lee has slowed down considerably, he’s hopping from tree branch to tree branch, taking the longer way around the field through the forest. To be honest, he’s listening for a sign of his sensei, the familiar noises that make the difference between any other training ground and what feels like home.

When he doesn’t hear anything but the soft breeze rustling the leaves and the odd wisp of birdsong, Lee's movements become careful and measured. Sneaking comes natural to him, he is a shinobi after all, although there's no apparent reason for stealth. He's never been good at sensing chakra though, so there's no real way for him to make sure from a distance.

_You can only go forward!_

That’s also something Gai-sensei says.

So what can Lee do? Nothing but take heart and leap through the foliage onto the training field shouting, “Gai-sensei! Are you--”

Lee comes to a stumbling halt when he takes in the scene in front of him. Gai-sensei is right there, only a few meters away, in the grass. He must have been lying down because he is scrambling to his feet now, same as the other man next to him - Lee blinks - is that? Kakashi-sensei!

It is Kakashi-sensei who clears his throat and brushes errant blades of grass off his pants while Gai-sensei wipes his hand across his face. When his hand falls away, there is a smile that Lee can’t quite return because he’s trying to puzzle out if his eyes just deceived him or of he really did see Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei lying in the grass side by side, holding hands.


	37. Chapter 37

_Hyūga Neji_

“We have to go back to the source,” Tenten says. “ All we have to do is go to the guy who told you, find out where they got it and then keep following the trail until we find the person who started it all.”

It sounds easy enough and Neji is beginning to hate himself a little for not taking the relevant steps from the start. He should have grabbed this Yobun character and beaten the information out of him right there on the spot.

“His name is Yobun, there was a woman with him who was called Ukina, I think, branch house members like me. But they’re chūnin and a lot older than us.”

“Do you have any idea where they might be now?”

Neji ponders the question. Most members of his clan live in the compound. However, the compound isn’t exactly small. On the other hand, the Hyūga compound has a certain village within a village feeling, people know each other and they gossip.

“They shouldn’t be too hard to find,” he says.

* * *

 

They aren’t.

Maybe Neji shouldn’t be surprised by Tenten’s fervor, but somehow he is. She treats the situation like a mission. When he tells her that those two should be somewhere near or in the compound, she all but tosses him out of her room so she can get dressed and the two of them can get going. Perhaps she just wants to get this over with, perhaps it’s making her as uneasy as it’s making him.

Twenty minutes after they left Tenten’s apartment, they have found the woman Ukina, who sighs and averts her eyes.

“There was this guy at that bar last night; he kept spouting all this bullshit. I’m sorry Yobun bothered you with this.” She bows and grimaces, the right corner of her mouth pulling down as if she’s taken a bite from a rotten fruit.

“What guy? And what bar?” Tenten asks before Neji has time to do as much as open his mouth. He stands next to her and tries to at least look intimidating.

“The one on Tea Road, next to that expensive yakiniku place.”

“Okay,” Tenten nods like she has heard enough on the topic, surprising Neji with her apparent knowledge of bars. “What about the guy?”

“I’m not sure. I didn’t actually see him, but everyone said he was dead drunk.”

“Everyone?” Neji asks, relieved to have something to contribute.The woman, however, only frowns at him as though she doesn’t see the point of his question..

“My friends. Yobun and his sister and her cousins. I came a little later and they told me about that man making a spectacle of himself, saying the nastiest things. They told me he was so drunk he passed out in the end, but I didn't see him. I didn’t want to. At that point I just wanted to go home again.”

* * *

  
“Okay, so now we go to the bar,” Tenten says, her jaw set in determination. They are standing outside the compound and Neji is feeling queasy. A part of him is wondering if telling Tenten was a mistake. He could have forgotten about the whole thing and nothing bad might ever have come from it. People love gossip, but they move on as soon as a more interesting story comes around.

“Lee is probably looking for us already. It might be better to go to the training grounds. He might be waiting there.”

“If he doesn’t find us, he’ll just go to the hospital. It’s fine. This is more important.”

Is it? Neji doesn’t voice the question but he follows Tenten reluctantly.

He has a bad feeling about this.

* * *

 

The owner of the bar treats them like little kids. He’s a middle-aged man, tall but with stooped shoulders and squinty little eyes. Well, Neji thinks, to be fair, they must look like small brats to him.

“You can’t come in here; you’re underage!” That’s the first thing he says to them as he runs out from behind the bar, waving a dirty dishrag around as if they’re mindless chickens wandering in from the street.

“We just want to ask you a couple of questions.” Tenten sounds like one of the hard-boiled detectives that Neji knows his uncle secretly loves to watch on tv. “It’ll only take a few minutes.”

“What? Listen, little girl--”

“We’re looking for a man who got drunk here last night. He was ranting and then later he passed out.” As she talks, Tenten puts her hands on her hips. Her voice sounds deeper and very serious and Neji is wondering if she is aware that she is mimicking the way Gai-sensei stands when he gives one of his Very Important Speeches.

“Are you serious?” The old guy gives Tenten an incredulous look, then, after a beat, he turns to Neji. “Is she serious?”

“Hey--!”

Neji decides to step in before Tenten reaches for a kunai. “He insulted our teacher,” he says.

The man’s expression hardens, his annoyance flickering out like a candle. “Okay,” he says slowly, glancing over at the bar. “Fine. You know what? I’ll humor you.”

He walks away from them, over to the counter and digs around for a couple of seconds. “I only got here for clean-up in the morning, but there was this guy; he’d passed out sometime last night and didn’t wake up until I came to work. Stinkin’ drunk. He’s got a tab here.” He comes back with a white scrap of paper which, ignoring Tenten, he hands over to Neji.

“That’s his name. You didn’t get this from me. Now scram.”

* * *

  
Outside Neji turns the piece of paper over in his hands. He reads the name with Tenten reading over his shoulder.

_Shiranui Genma_


	38. Chapter 38

_Shiranui Genma_

His head is still a pounding mess, thoughts muddled and aimless clanging around inside, so he lies down on the couch and closes his eyes and tries very hard to stop existing. Genma isn't a heavy drinker, at least he usually isn't. That makes the last couple of days an exception. Some part of his life he would rather forget.

No matter how much he wants it, though, he just can't. It's already become a scar in his mind, something that is influencing his thinking and as a consequence is changing him to his very core. _Nah,_ he thinks, _that’s bullshit._ Couple more days and he’ll move on. Just like after the war. You see a bunch of shit and then you bury it. Make room for new shit. It’s a life. A shinobi life.

Genma is not the depressive type. He doesn’t wallow in self-pity, he doesn’t soak in his own bitterness. He just rolls with the punches and cracks jokes. That’s what he does.

“Ugh…” Groaning, Genma rolls over onto his stomach and reaches for a pillow. He’ll bury his face in this soft lifeless thing and he’ll bury his memories the same way and everything will be the way it’s supposed to be again. _As far as plans go_ , he tells himself, nodding into the forgiving shape of the pillow, _this one is adequate._ That’s what Ebisu would say.

* * *

  
Time can be strange thing; sometimes stretching into endless looping ribbons, other times contracting, snapping in your face like a torn rubber band.

When Genma opens his eyes he has no idea how much time has passed. Could be minutes, could be days. All he knows is this: his mouth is full of lint and someone is pounding on his door.

He gets up, he rubs his eyes, he breathes into his cupped hand and sniffs. He gags. His breath smells like yeast dough that has been buried under piss-soaked sand for a year. _Great._

“I’m coming,” he calls to whoever is tormenting him with their impatient knocking. Probably Raidō, Genma thinks, as he heads to the bathroom to at least brush his teeth before opening the door.

One glance in the mirror over the sink and he grimaces. His reflection grimaces back, bloodshot eyes and messed-up hair and all, a nasty look from a pasty washed-out guy with serious hygiene problems.

Okay, so he can’t do anything about that now. Raidō is just gonna have to live with it. He’ll probably laugh at Genma, crack some dumb joke and Genma won’t hear the end of that for a couple of weeks, but sooner or later something else’ll happen and they’ll forget about this.

He drags himself to the door. The knocking has stopped, so there’s a chance Raidō or whoever has given up already, but just in case, Genma turns the knob and opens the door just wide enough to look outside.

What he sees makes him blink and wipe a tired hand across his eyes because this can’t be right; he’s gotta be hallucinating.

It’s two brats. A girl peering at him through the crack and some Hyūga of unidentifiable gender standing right behind her. Genma narrows his eyes at them.

Fuck. It hits him mid-glare, he knows these kids. They’re Gai’s. Took him a moment to recognize them without mini-Gai there to complete the picture.

“Excuse me,” the girl says, her voice painfully high-pitched to his ears. “Shiranui-san?”

For a second he thinks about slamming the door shut in their faces, but there’s a rotten feeling festering in his stomach because what if something happened to Gai? He knows it makes no sense for them to come to him, even in a worst-case-scenario - they shouldn’t know him, much less seek him out, but…

He’s waited too long; the girl is frowning - why does he care? - anyway, he can feel her pushing slightly against the door, not putting any real weight behind it yet, but clearly wanting him to let them in.

Well, why not? They’re a bother, sure, but what can these two genin do to him?

He opens the door and leans casually against the frame, blocking them from entering. “Can I help you?” he asks in a gruff tone that clearly means to say, _what the hell do you want?_


	39. Chapter 39

_Tenten_

“Wait, Shiranui Genma?” she asks, “Isn’t that one of Gai-sensei's _friends_?”

“I think they used to be teammates.” Neji looks at her, his eyes as unreadable as ever. It makes her wonder if there's some kind of hidden meaning in the simple statement. They used to be teammates. She chews on her lip, trying to picture Team Gai ten years from now. Where will they be? Will they still be friends? Will they be alive? Either way, teammates, maybe it just means they have history.

“Okay. At least we’ve got a name. We'll Just go there and ask him. Easy.”

Maybe she added the _easy_ to convince herself because the flutter in her stomach really doesn't make her feel all that confident and it's a ridiculous plan anyway, but it's better than doing nothing.

 _Why_ , a tiny voice in her head whispers, _why exactly is it better than doing nothing? Nothing would be the sane thing to do._

“Are you sure about this?” Of course Neji would choose this moment to speak up and of course he has to frown and look all critical too. If Lee were here, he wouldn't question her. He’d probably be racing over to this guy's house already. Once there, he’d beat down the door and-- Perhaps it's not such a bad thing that Lee isn't here, Tenten concedes.

“Should we just pretend nothing happened?” Tenten tries very hard to glare at her friend in a challenging way that says you can't be serious, but she can feel herself faltering. If anything, the look on her face is probably pained. Like she's desperately trying to walk on a sprained ankle. Which has happened before.

At the time Gai-sensei scolded her and then lifted her up onto his shoulders to carry her the rest of the way. Afterwards, when they were at the hospital and a nurse was bandaging her up, he grinned at her over the cup of tea he’d gotten her from the vending machine and said it was good training. But that it would have been better if she was heavier.

“He can't be that hard to find,” she says, “let's go.”

 

* * *

 

As Tenten expected, Shiranui Genma is pretty easy to find. All it takes is checking the letterboxes at three of the biggest apartment buildings in the center of the village and there is his name, no further than approximately ten meters from the building where Gai-sensei lives. All the jōnin seem to have conglomerated to the same neighbourhood.

Tenten has very vague memories of the guy. He proctored the chuunin exams - the finals when she was already out, when she was sitting in the hard stadium seats, her back ramrod straight and still aching faintly. Since then she's seen him from time to time in the village to be sure, but she only ever noticed him when Gai-sensei was there and said hi.

They enter the building silently, her and Neji, both aware of the strangeness of their mission, both tense as they set foot on what might as well be enemy territory. Tenten makes a point of not stopping until she is actually in front of his door, only then does she hesitate.

 _This is stupid, why do you bother,_ the voice berates her. Tenten ignores it.

“What exactly are we going to say?” Neji asks.

“We’ll confront him directly with the stuff he’s said,” Tenten replies although she knows that’s not really an answer to Neji’s question, but still.

This is as good as her plan is ever going to get, Tenten is grimly aware of that, but she's also feeling the hard seed of determination that has taken root within her. She needs this determination to raise her fist and knock on the door in front of her.

* * *

  
_Shiranui Genma_

The brats stare at him like he's some kind of exotic bird, and he feels tempted to ask them what the hell they expected to happen.

“Where were you last night?” the girl asks, squaring her jaw and narrowing her eyes and all Genma can do is wonder why she thinks it such a great idea to come to his door and start playing little girl detective. If he didn’t know Gai was at the hospital, he’d think it was his doing, some weird training program to teach his genin squad the art of interrogation or something.

“What do _you_ care?”

That makes her clench her teeth even harder; the boy Hyūga - Genma is pretty sure he’s a boy now - glares at him.

“You were at Minomashi, weren’t you?”

He’s got to give it to her, she’s not wrong, but what the fuck? He’s being stalked by teenagers now? Plus, he didn’t notice anyone following him last night. If a genin could sneak around after him, that’d be seriously bad for his reputation.

“What, you got a crush on me or something? Sorry, not looking for a child bride.”

“I--You--” Her face is all red now and when she breathes it sounds like there’s an ox standing right behind her. Genma almost expects steam to come out of her ears. It’s kind of cute.

“You were spreading lies about our teacher. We want you to stop.” The Hyūga is all business, no expression on his face, eyes dead like he’s untouchable. _He’s serious,_ Genma thinks, _he is one hundred percent convinced that I know exactly what he’s talking about. What the fuck?_

“Someone said something about Gai?” This is bad. Genma feels like he’s swallowed an ice cube, the cold shock hitting his stomach. There is really only one thing this can be about, but shit, it can’t be. Tsunade-sama made it clear--

“Don’t act like you don’t know!” The girl’s all fired up again, righteous indignation rolling off her in waves. “We know you were there!”

“I was, but I was pretty much dead to the world. I’d had a lot to drink, kid. Believe me, if I opened my mouth last night, it was only to barf.” Genma lets go of the doorframe and takes a step towards the kids. To their credit, they don’t even flinch. They stand their ground.

“So here’s what we’re gonna do,” he says. “You’re gonna come in and you’re gonna tell me exactly what kind of lies someone is spreading about my friend.”


	40. Chapter 40

_Maito Gai_

His stomach is in tight knots like little fists punching his insides. Gai would have run away if his legs had worked. As he is now, all he can do is lie motionless, his breath coming in sharp gasps that don’t seem enough to fill his lungs. He has never felt this weak.

And then there is the touch of Kakashi’s hand.

* * *

 

_Hyūga Neji_

Neji catches Tenten’s eye before they step into Shiranui Genma’s apartment. He’s got a bad feeling about this. The back of his neck prickles as though he’s being watched. But that’s not it, not quite.

The man in front of them went through something when they spoke. At the beginning he was surprised and didn’t take them seriously but now he’s changed. There was a moment during their short conversation when there was a palpable shift.

_He did not do it,_ that’s what Neji’s instinct is telling him, _but he definitely knows something. And now he’s worried._

* * *

 

_Maito Gai_

Kakashi’s hand is like a lifeline. Without thinking, Gai clings to it, his eyes fixed on a cloud that looks like a ruptured sheep. His breathing is too fast, he knows he has to calm down or else Kakashi will start asking questions and then what will he say? There is nothing to say. Except that Gai failed his mission, failed himself.

Kakashi’s skin is dry in Gai’s clammy grip. Dry but warm.

At the hospital Kakashi took his hand and held it and when their eyes met--

Gai swallows thickly. Something happened. He hadn’t been able to think. For a moment everything else had fallen away. He trusted Kakashi. He trusts him now. Because for all his faults Kakashi is Kakashi. His eternal rival. His friend. Someone important he would protect with his life.

* * *

 

_Tenten_

Shiranui Genma leads them into his living room which is a surprise. She thought he would turn them away at the door, that he’d laugh at them - which, okay, he kind of did in the beginning - or possibly threaten them. Well, at least that didn’t happen.

She’s still wary even as she sits down on the couch, Neji right beside her. This is a weird situation and the couch smells like bad breath. Tenten tries to sit on it while touching it as little as possible. It’s not easy.

  
“Okay, now talk,” Genma-san says. “What was said about Gai?”

_First of all,_ Tenten wonders, _how did we end up becoming the interrogatees?_

But he’s standing in front of them now, arms crossed, a look of expectation on his pale face. Tenten sits very still. She can feel that somehow she has slipped into some kind of game of chicken with Neji. Neither of them wants to speak, so neither of them moves.

Neji cracks first. He raises his eyes, stops staring fixedly at a stain on the carpet and says in a very calm voice, “I met two members of my clan at the compound this morning. They told me that a nasty rumor was going around about Gai-sensei. According to them, a drunk man at the bar you were last night had spread it.”

“What’s the rumor?”

There’s a question Tenten doesn't want to answer. But neither does Neji and in the stretching silence Genma-san’s eyes narrow even more, become untrusting little slits.

“That he is gay. And that he’ll sleep with anyone.” Her cheeks are burning but Tenten is proud of the defiant strength in her voice. A little girl wouldn't have been able to speak like this, not without stuttering.

Shiranui Genma goes very still. His eyes, unblinking, fixed on her face. His mouth is a hard line, white-lipped and surprisingly straight. The couch creaks softly, startling Tenten. She turns and sees that Neji has stiffened, his fingers digging into his thighs. Before she has time to wonder, she feels it too. A flare of killing intent, that shift in a person's chakra pattern, a brief roaring cold flame. It cuts like a knife.

* * *

 

_Shiranui Genma_

_Fucking shit._ Lightning flashes in Genma’s field of vision. He’s been angry in his life, incredibly angry, beyond pissed, but never like this. For a second the world drops away and all he can see is himself beating some faceless silhouette to a pulp. His fists itch with the urge to start taking someone apart. But he can’t, not right now, because the kids are still there and they’re staring at him.

They felt it and now they’re not exactly scared - and Genma has to give them credit for that - but definitely on their toes.

“It’s a good thing you came to me,” he tells them, smiling because it really is a good thing. “I’m going to take care of this from here on out. So you two can just go home and forget all about it.” He makes a shooing gesture, indicating that the conversation is over and they should get up and leave.

* * *

 

_Hyūga Neji_

“What just happened?” Tenten asks the moment they’re outside the apartment complex, in the street.

“I’m not sure, but I think we were wrong about him.” They should be done with this, Neji thinks, this is their out. They have defended their teacher’s honor, never mind the nagging feeling in his stomach, the festering unease. Something bad is going on, his inner voice tells him, but Neji wants nothing to do with this. Would he care if Gai-sensei really was gay? He pushes the question away. “Let’s just go to the training grounds. Lee is probably waiting for us.”


	41. Chapter 41

_Ebisu_

It’s hard to focus on the task at hand – putting together the equipment for his next mission – when his mind keeps replaying those pictures. Ebisu forces himself to do what needs to be done, one thing at a time. Get new scrolls, that’ll mean going to the general store, and those kunai could use some sharpening, too. He nods to himself as he opens another drawer to look for those bandages he’s sure he saw the other day.

Signing up for that B-Rank was a good idea; keeping busy is a good idea. He would have gone to visit Gai at the hospital, but with that mission tomorrow, there’s just no way he can make it. Gai would understand, though.

_Right?_

_You’re a coward, aren’t you?_

_Shut up._

This internal monologue again. Ebisu grits his teeth. He is not a crazy person. He is not unstable. He is intelligent. He is rational. He did all he could for Gai. So why is he tormenting himself with these stupid thoughts?

_What if it had been me?_

Well, it couldn’t have been him. He would not have run ahead like Gai did. He, Ebisu, does not use forbidden techniques or take unnecessary risks.

_If one were to be completely honest, one would have to admit that Gai-kun might at least be partly to blame for what happened._

Ebisu slams his head against the door of his closet. His hitae ate dents the wood and he groans, hating himself for having the kind of brain that can come up with a nasty thought like this.

The mission. His next mission, that’s what’s important right now.

_If something like this happened to me, I would disembowel myself._

He squeezes his eyes shut and stands very still, taking slow, deliberate breaths. Gai is his comrade, has been for decades, Ebisu shouldn’t be able to imagine his death this easily, but picturing himself at Gai-kun’s funeral comes as natural as picturing himself leaving for his next mission. Like it’s an everyday sort of thing.

Maybe he should go visit Gai. But then what would he say? He’s never been good with emotional things. When sensei died… Well, Gai was the one who cried the most – and he was also the one who held them all together in the end.

 _That’s right. Gai-kun isn’t like me at all._ It’s the most comforting thought Ebisu has had all day, but it’s interrupted by a sharp knock on his front door.

When Ebisu opens to find Genma on his doorstep, he’s strangely unsurprised. Genma is wearing a grim expression on his face and he pushes past Ebisu without waiting for an invitation.

If it weren’t for the next words out of Genma’s mouth, Ebisu would have tossed him out – probably. Anyway, once inside, leaning against the wall of Ebisu’s narrow hallway, Genma raises his eyes off the floor and says, “You’re gonna help me find someone today. And kill him.”

* * *

 

_Hatake Kakashi_

Kakashi walks away with nothing more than a quick bye and a casual wave at Lee and Gai. He is not in a hurry, though his racing heart might disagree. It’s not like Lee – and when did Gai’s little clone learn to move so fast exactly? – anyway, Lee didn’t catch them doing anything wrong or embarrassing. He didn’t catch them doing _anything,_ really. There was no need for him to look at them all wide-eyed and confused the way he did when he burst out of the foliage like a creep.

Kakashi does not wonder how long the kid was there, up in the trees, peeping. He really doesn’t. Besides, Lee was going full speed, so chances are he never stopped to do any actual peeping. So he didn’t see anything. Not that there was anything to see…

Apart from two grown men lying in the grass, holding hands.

That might have been a little strange for the kid.

It was a little strange for Kakashi, too.

The last time he held someone’s hand – no, the last time someone held _his_ hand – that must have been years ago. _It must have been Rin,_ he thinks, that faint ache stirring in his chest like an animal twitching during hibernation. Back then he didn’t wear the fingerless gloves, so her palm pressed into his, skin on skin. Her fingers were slim and delicate, but her grip was strong. She used to grab his hand in her right and Obito’s in her left and pull them along like kites on a string.

Holding Gai’s hand is different.


	42. Chapter 42

_Rock Lee_

Somehow, their training session feels off. Lee can’t put a finger on it, but it bothers him nonetheless. Tenten and Neji both arrive late. They keep exchanging furtive glances; sometimes they even whisper.

Gai-sensei tells them to spar, just the three of them, as taijutsu practice.  Normally, Gai-sensei would participate, but today he just stands at the sidelines, his eyes on them most of the time but not really tracking their movements. Occasionally he shouts encouragements or gives advice. Though, even then, Lee can’t help noticing how generic their teacher’s commentary is.

“Don’t drop your guard, Tenten!”

“Good, Neji!”

“Pay more attention, Lee!”

That last one makes Lee flinch as Gai-sensei’s eyes meet his across the training field. He whips around, blushing, but it’s too late, Tenten’s foot catches him in the stomach with enough force to actually lift him off his feet.  He catches himself mid-air, twisting to land in a crouch and blocking Tenten’s flurry of attacks, until Neji sweeps his feet out from under him. They’ve teamed up, Lee realizes as he rolls through the grass, out of Neji’s reach. This is a challenge!

Lee can lose himself in a fight, especially a good one. With both Tenten and Neji pressing him at the same time, there’s not a second left for him to wonder about Gai-sensei. He needs all his senses to keep track of their attacks. Of course, that only lasts until a good thirty minutes later, Tenten figuratively stabs Neji in the back by literally kicking him in the back. With that, she changes sides, no doubt planning to use Lee to take out Neji first, only to then defeat the already weakened Lee herself.

Her cunning makes Lee smile despite himself. Of course he would never use such underhanded tactics, but that just proves that his female teammate is more shinobi than any of them. It’s not going to work, though!

***

“That’s enough for today!” Gai-sensei claps his hands as though his manly voice isn’t enough to make all three of them stop immediately. Tenten lets herself fall into the grass with a deep sigh; Neji, too, sits down, stretching his legs. Only now does Lee feel all the aches and pains from the many bruises and scratches he picked up during the fight. Carefully he lowers himself onto the grass as well and peels off his legwarmers to inspect his shins. Already the discoloration is visible, burst blood vessels under the skin; if he doesn’t do anything now, Lee has no doubt that he’ll be black and blue come morning.

Luckily, they all have the special chakra-enhanced herbal salve Gai-sensei made for them. It’s truly amazing, Lee thinks as he rubs the cool substance into his skin, that between missions and training, Gai-sensei always finds the time to do these small things for his team.

“You did well today! As a reward for your passionate efforts, I’m going to treat you all to dinner!” Gai-sensei’s grin is bright and wide; the sun reflects off his teeth with an audible _ping._ Somehow the sight makes Lee breathe a soft sigh of relief as the worry wrapped up all in his chest falls away.  Everything is fine, he is sure now, any weirdness was just a product of his imagination.

***

Happiness didn’t use to come easy to Lee, who, as a child, would question his every move, wondering what it was that made him so different from everyone else. Why couldn’t he use chakra, why did the other children call him ugly and stupid? What was he doing wrong?

His life, Lee thought, could be split neatly into two halves, much like he had been taught shinobi history was. A clean cut between the period of the warring nomadic ninja clans the foundation of the hidden villages, which had changed everything. In the same way, meeting Gai-sensei had made all the difference for Lee, and he would never stop being grateful for his teacher’s presence in his life.

Walking down the street next to his sensei after a couple of hours of intense training, Lee is happy. His mind is like a cloudless blue sky, and despite the workout his body is still buzzing with energy.  While Neji and Tenten are trailing a few steps behind, Lee speeds up, enjoying the cool breeze on his warm skin.   

The yakiniku restaurant is in a busy street near the academy. Lee remembers walking past it countless times, the smell of grilled meat making his mouth water. As an orphan, he never had enough money to actually go in – another thing that changed after he became a member of team Gai.

They enter the restaurant together, Lee stepping aside to let his teacher go in first, and are greeted by warmth, the savory aroma of the meat and a familiar voice saying, “I’m not giving you the money; you’ll just spend it all!”

Lee smiles when he spots Ino standing just in front of them, her back to him and Gai-sensei. She is arguing with Chōji , who gives her half-defiant, half-pleading look.

“We’re supposed to spend it all, Asuma-sensei was going to treat us!”

“Not all of it, it makes you look greedy, Chōji!”

“You’re just stingy! Right, Shikamaru?”

“…oh, hey, it’s Team Gai,” Shikamaru drawls, ignoring Chōji’s question.

“Shikamaru-kun, Chōji-kun, Ino-san!” Lee greets them. “Did you just come from training, too?”

“Yeah.” Shikamaru shrugs. “Asuma-sensei gave us some money to treat us to dinner.”

“He’s probably visiting Kurenai-sensei…” Ino adds with a smirk.

“Um, everyone, we’re blocking the entry, maybe we should get a table?” As she speaks, Tenten pushes against Lee’s back. Obediently, he starts walking, scanning the restaurant for a free table.  There’s one with enough room for all of them in a corner. Lee makes a beeline for it, his friends walking with him. Lee is smiling and he is about to ask Chōji about their training routine and the chūnin exams – behind him, Ino and Tenten are already talking – when a man runs out from behind the counter.

Red faced under his dark blue chef hat, his eyes bulging, he pushes Chōji and Lee aside and plants himself in front Gai-sensei.

“Oi! You! Maito Gai! Who said you could come in here? We don’t serve dirty scum like you here!” At first Lee thinks he’s misheard; he must have! But everyone around him is frozen in place; everyone’s staring wide-eyed at the man. Around them all conversation has died.

 “We all know what you are! You should be ashamed to show your face in public! Get out!”  The man is still yelling, spittle flying from his lips. He points past a motionless Gai-sensei to the door.

Lee feels color rise to his cheeks. His hands ball into fists. Gai-sensei stands very still, pale-faced and stiff, he simply stares at the raging madman, not reacting at all.

“Are you deaf? I said get out!”

“How dare you talk to Gai-sensei this way?” Killing intent flashes in Lee’s heart; a red veil descends over the restaurant. This is unforgivable!


End file.
